So many colours in my life

9. Closed-off teal of secrecy

Wei Wuxian caught the sword Jiang Cheng had thrown him but almost immediately averted his eyes. He could not let his brother or Lan Zhan see anything suspicious. And he could not let himself think too much about something he could no longer have.

"Thanks," he quickly avoided the whole topic and all questions which could come with it.

Or so he hoped. It seemed however that he had not fooled Jiang Cheng entirely. He had tried to brush everything off, just like always. However, even if he remembered how he had done it in the past, it was no longer possible for him. He could not get his voice to sound carefree and happy anymore.

He could no longer feel those emotions. He no longer knew how he should shape his lips so they would give everyone around him a smile that was not coming from his heart. He had apparently lost his ability to pretend everything was fine.

This was no good, he realized. Not that he cared too much. It was just he knew this would not do when facing Jiang Yanli. He needed to remember how to smile in pretence, and quick. It would make her too worried about him on top of everything that was going on in the cultivation world. It would end up being too much for her. It could hurt her to the point that she could become ill.

No, more like it definitely would. Although Wei Wuxian had changed immensely in those three moths of hell, the rest of the world had gone on like normally. To him, it had been a whole lifetime during which he had become a man. He was no longer a naïve boy like before. For others though, nearly no time had passed.

How was he going to face everyone now? Everything was just too strange, too unfamiliar. But he knew that the world was not at fault. It was him. He needed to try his best to go back to his usual self.

Suddenly, it was very hard to stand face to face with his brother. There had been too many unsaid things between them. And this rift had only become deeper with ever more secrets to be kept. The empty space that was left behind from Wei Wuxian's golden core was aching for some reason.

Just how was he going to close this gap? Jiang Cheng was no fool, at least not too much of a fool to not notice that there was something different about Wei Wuxian now. He would definitely ask what had happened and what was wrong. He could not know the truth!

"Where have you been for three months?"

Just when Wei Wuxian thought about the possibility of Jiang Cheng asking for an explanation, his brother did just that. It was simple really. He should have expected as much. Who would not ask for a reason when someone had disappeared from their life for such a long time?

However, it still caught Wei Wuxian unprepared. Until now, he had not let himself think about what he would do when he would finally meet his siblings again. He was subconsciously avoiding this topic.

Now that he was purposefully surpassing his emotions and refusing himself to feel anything – even though he had been slipping ever since coming out of the Burial Mounds – thinking about his siblings just did not feel right. Or more like he could think of only meeting them and nothing more. He had wanted to cure his loneliness; he had not considered what would come after that.

At this point in time though, his refusal and carelessness came back to bite him. Jiang Cheng was asking and he had no reply prepared. His brother had always been impatient. Surely there was no time to think of an excuse? At least not one which would actually sound believable.

And if he did not give an explanation right now, it would only spark Jiang Cheng's curiosity. There would then be no end to the questions. Moreover, he would tell Jiang Yanli that Wei Wuxian was unwell. And that was the last thing which should happen.

So, Wei Wuxian rubbed the spot on which Jiang Cheng had just playfully nudged him. It would have been nothing to him in the past, but now, it actually hurt. Without a golden core, his body had become frail.

It was nothing new to him. He had already had to come to terms with his new existence back in the Burial Mounds. However, he could not let Jiang Cheng notice anything different about him. He had to keep his missing golden core a secret. For the sake of his brother. For his own sake.

Wei Wuxian realized that Lan Zhan was also looking at him, squinting his eyes a little in suspicion. This would not do. Even if he managed to fool Jiang Cheng with some half-baked story, Lan Zhan would not take the bait. What should he do now?

"It is a long story," he tried. His throat felt dry and the words came out as barely more than a whisper. "It is a long story..."

Hearing himself say this, Wei Wuxian realized, that he was telling the truth. It had truly been a long story. It would take much longer for him to explain than they had right now. Wen Chao was still trembling and whimpering in the corner. They first had to take care of him.

Or not.

Wei Wuxian was trying to avoid Jiang Cheng's gaze. His eyes were sliding across the room, as for from his brother's burning gaze as he could get. He was still feeling it on himself though. A constant reminder that the initial question still laid unanswered. He needed a second to think.

However, as his eyes had nothing to latch onto in the meantime, they met Lan Zhan's. This was very unfortunate. The deep breath Wei Wuxian needed never came. He stood frozen. Somehow, he had a hunch that Lan Zhan could see right through his lie. Right through him and into his very soul.

Lan Zhan knew. He had not believed his 'It is a long story' explanation. He demanded more.

Wei Wuxian could see it in his eyes. He was completely trapped, like a baby rabbit which had not known any better and wandered into a snake's den. He could not avert his gaze, no matter how much he was willing himself to do it. Lan Zhan's suspicion and disbelief were as clear as day on his face.

Wei Wuxian suddenly felt an even stronger urge to hide everything. He could not brink himself to tell the Second Jade of the Gusu Lan sect tat he was now using demonic cultivation – even if it was different from the truly evil one Wen Ruohan was using.

Not that Lan Zhan had not figured it out already. He most probably had. But it was another topic entirely to admit it himself and to reveal all the details.

It did not matter to him what the cultivation world would think about him. They can call him a defector or a demonic cultivator all they wanted. But they would never know the truth of what had happened to him. They would have no idea about the true origin or his power. And neither about the reason why he had been pushed to this extreme.

He could not let anyone know. He had already decided as much.

And, it was not like he wanted to think about it anymore either. Better if everyone including himself pretended like nothing happened in the first place. He did not want to discover what would happen if he let himself dwell on his memories from the Burial Mounds. He would probably just break down into a million piece, never to be whole again.

No, he shook his head internally. Better to keep everything under lock and key. It was way safer. For him, for Jiang Cheng and Jiang Yanli; and for everyone else as well.