So many colours in my life

19. Burnt orange of guilt

It still took Wei Wuxian quite a while to stop clinging to his sister and let go of the hug. He immediately missed it, but it would have been suspicious if he stayed like that for too long. Anyway, now that he was back, there would be surely many other opportunities to receive affection from both his siblings.

He reached his hand up and wiped away Jiang Yanli's tears. This was no time for crying. His own eyes were still wet and he was mildly distressed by this fact. He had not been able to meet his sister for so long, he wanted to look at her properly.

He felt so comfortable and right that he had almost forgotten that should still be careful. He should not let himself slip too much, otherwise, his missing golden core could be discovered by someone. And the last person he would like to do that was Jiang Yanli.

When his sister put her hand on his cheek, he held his breath. His first instinct was to lean into the touch and enjoy it to the fullest. It had after all been three very long months during which there had been no one alive for him to interact with.

However, he could not do that. His heart was breaking and screaming at him to just let go, to ease up and let his family spoil him. Perhaps it would not be all that bad if he did not have to keep any secrets from them. Would it be possible that Jiang Cheng would not react negatively to discovering whose golden core was now circulating his spiritual energy?

Wei Wuxian looked down at his Shijie's hand.

He sighed internally. No, it would not be possible. He knew his brother way too well. If his secret got discovered, it would only lead to tears, heated words and hatred. He could not let that happen. He had to protect his brother's fragile heart. To the best of his abilities.

He steeled his resolve. This was the only way after all.

Jiang Yanli must have understood he was not ready for any more physical affection right now and she took her hand back.

Wei Wuxian immediately longed for the touch to come back. However, he resisted. It was for the good of their small family. After causing the downfall of everything his siblings had held dear, he had no right to make them suffer any more. Although it was just a possibility, he was not willing to risk it.

Suddenly, he was hit by intensely burning guilt. It was so strong in fact that it took his breath away and caused him to almost suffocate.

Yes, he had not forgotten who it had been who had caused the fall of the Lotus Pier and the death of so many of their fellow cultivation brothers and sisters, and of Madame Yu and Uncle Jiang. It had been him who had provoked Wen Chao into attacking them.

He had been the one who should have bore the burnt of everything. However, he escaped basically without a scratch while everything else had fallen.

Madame Yu and Jiang Cheng had been right, he was a menace and he was at fault for everything. How could his siblings even sit with him in the same room and not hate him to the core? They could not have already forgotten everything, surely not.

He would never be able to forget what he had caused no matter how long had passed. It must have been the same for them.

It was just that before, he had not been able to feel any guilt for any of those things. He had regretted what had happened but it had been impossible for him to beat himself up for it. Or repent. Or make it up to his siblings if that was even possible. It was only now that the guilt came back and consumed his whole being.

The place which Jiang Yanli had just been touching was burning. It was accusing him of taking advantage of her. Perhaps she did not hate him deep down, but he certainly hated himself enough for the both of them.

And for Jiang Cheng's part as well. Although he knew that his brother was being nice to him right now. Only because of being overwhelmed by their reunion after such a long time though. It would surely not take long for him to remember that Wei Wuxian had been the one to cause all his pain. He would go back to blaming him.

And perhaps it would actually feel better if he did. When both his siblings were not mentioning anything about the rest of their family or other dead members of their sect, it seemed like they were just taking pity on him. As if they did not want to remind him of the terrible events he had caused with his foolish actions.

There was after all no way they were not missing their parents. Especially in this time of war. Jiang Cheng would have surely given up everything just to have his father advising him on how to run the sect. And Jiang Yanli should have been brought up as a young lady who worried about nothing more serious than what to wear for a meeting with Jin Zixuan. She should not be tending to wounded cultivators and see so much death and suffering.

Neither of them deserved what Wei Wuxian had brought upon them. They were just coping with the situation he had caused to the best of their abilities. But once they would stop for a second, they would understand that he was to blame for their misfortune.

Realizing this, Wei Wuxian wanted to start crying again. Not out of happiness this time, but because of how sorry he felt. He should apologize to them and disappear from their lives so he would not be able to cause any more harm. It had been all his fault.

He would have left right then, if he had not just promised to stay together forever. How could he have been so foolish to not realize all this sooner? Now he had done it. And he could not take it back without hurting Jiang Yanli yet again. What should he do?

He was at his wits' end. He had no idea how to make everything better. A simple or even thousand times repeated apology would not mean anything at this point. It would not erase what he had done. And it would not ease his guilt in the slightest.

Wei Wuxian watched Jiang Yanli and was fighting his tears. He did not deserve her to feel sorry or be concerned for him. She had done too much already. He could not burden her so.

Before he could decide what to do, there was a distant call of his name: "Brother Wei!"

All three siblings sat up straight at once. They wiped the tears from their cheeks and looked towards the door. The small moment between them was broken. As was Wei Wuxian's self-blaming, for now at least.

They all came back to reality just in time to welcome a very excited Nie Huisang who run into the room in a rush.