US

+ p a r t o n e: 5 +

Living with the Cullen's always felt like we were in a bubble. Like we didn't ever exist in the real world.

Like we were safe and together.

The bubble popped the day Olly died.

No one knew, but the real reason I was so fixated on working was because of Olly, because he was just like me.

Olly only liked boys.

I'd never forget the day he came to me. He had been crying, and he looked so scared. So very scared. He hadn't seen what happened to Agnes so he didn't feel how I felt but he was terrified out of his wits "I tried to like Jessie. I really did"

I used to be his blanket. I promised him that we'd leave together. Even after my parents kicked me out, I tried reaching out to him once with Jamie, but he was too scared to talk to me.

I didn't care.

I told him I would wait for him till he was done with highschool and we'd leave. He was in his sophomore year, I could wait.

But he didn't want to wait.

Olly couldn't take it anymore.

My elder brother had tried reaching out to me through Jamie. His name was Vin but I hadn't seen him in years. Mother and Father sent him to a business school but when I saw him seated in the sitting room, I knew it was him.

He sat exactly like Father. Straight, with a haughty expression and a nose that begged someone to punch it so it could finally stay straight.

"Olly committed suicide" He sounded so monotonic about it. Like he wished he didn't have to bother with telling me this. I wondered the same thing "You cut your hair?"

I couldn't help the laugh that left my lips "You fucking ask that after not seeing me for so long? After sounding so apathetic about Olly's death? That's the important question. That's the fucking important question?"

His eyes flared "Don't talk to me like that"

"Bitch, this isn't that house. I'm not scared of you" I could tell the Cullen's weren't too far away. They would never leave me alone with anyone from my family. I knew that.

I was glad about it.

Vin's eyes softened. He looked the way he did before my parents shipped him off. Before my parents crushed the person who used to join me in catching crickets when I was four "You still have that same fire"

I ignored that.

"Come back home, Skyler" His time was softer now. He knew trying to butt heads with me wouldn't take him anywhere "Mama's alone. She misses you. I'm sure Papa misses you too"

That last part shouldn't have been added "Skyler is dead, Vin. She died the day her Father threw her out and she most especially wished she didn't exist when she heard her brother killed himself and left her alone"

"You're not alone"

"Don't give me that crap. You've never been here. Don't try acting like you give a shit"

I was mad. I was angry. Just like before, I couldn't save someone else. I was weak again.

And I hated me one more time.

Holly and Rob went to Olly's funeral. I didn't. In retrospect, I should have gone. He would have liked to see a familiar face.

He would have liked to see at least one person that actually knew who he was.

One person that knew he liked a boy called Louis and used to join me in drawing stick images of them together.

Instead I went to his favorite place. It was a hill top and we used to go there and scream out when Father had hurt or lashed out at us.

It was also the same place he had outed himself to me.

"Fuck you!" I screamed. I hated him. And that's what I said "How could you—? Why the fuck are people so selfish?! Agnes didn't have to leave if she had stayed quiet and all you had to do was fucking wait! I promised I'd come back for you! What the fuck is wrong with you?!"

My heart ached and my head drummed loudly. I hadn't cried since that night my Father beat the crap out of me. Somehow, I'd manager to put a lid over all my emotions and wake up to the next day.

That had been because I had a reason.

Olly . . .

I cried. And I screamed for God's know how long. And I really wished I could jump off that hill but I really wasn't brave enough to do that.

I kept wondering if he was alone when he did what he did.

What was he thinking?

Did he think he'd never fit in? If no one loved him?

Did he think I would never come back for him?

Did he have someone he loved, someone he could wait for at the other side?

Did Louis ever find out?

I didn't know, but after that day, I didn't jump off the hill, but I let go of my emotions.

I didn't want to feel anymore.

I didn't think I needed to.

And I didn't think I deserved any more pain.

I was going to be different. People were selfish and they did whatever they wanted. No one belonged to any one so they didn't have to do what the other person wanted.

I had to focus on me. Do me. That was what important.

Or so I thought.