US

+ p a r t s i x: 29 +

I arrived at the Castle's a week later.

I hadn't expected myself to come here after ten years but I did. The house hadn't changed. With all of it's dreariness and darkness and ability to run one mad.

It was all the same.

As I walked into the frontyard, my eyes turned to the swing set, an image of Olly and I swinging on it at night because we were never lowed to during the day flashing through my head.

"Excuse me. Who are you?"

There was a woman on the porch. Chubby and red haired, had a pretty sort of vibe about her. I had never met her before "Skye"

She paused at the door "Im sorry. Is my husband expecting you?"

Husband? "Are you Vin's wife?"

Her eyes glowed a bit "Yes"

"Is he home then?"

"Why, yes"

"Tell him his sister is back from the dead"

Vin Castle was an older man when he came to me at the swing set. With wrinkles that I couldn't count and beards I never thought he would have.

But all that didn't matter when he smiled at me "Skyler"

He hugged me, and I hugged him too. It had been too long.

"Mama died some years ago" We were walking through the house at the time "She always believed you'd come back home. If not for anyone, but Olly"

There was a portrait of him in the house. A lively one unlike the ones Father always made us take.

It was drawn.

"And Father?"

"In his room, he—" Vin seemed to tread carefully with his words "He doesn't come out of there very much"

I went to my room. It was the same except it was dusty. Vin said Father never let anyone in it and he kept it locked for years until when he stopped coming out and Vin would sometimes go in to see it.

Next was Olly's room.

When my eyes fell on his bed, an image of us laying there while we talked of going to the hill and screaming flashed through my head.

I wanted to back away. It felt like something heavy was being pressed on my shoulder as I looked. Like I was trespassing. I didn't know what I was supposed to do.

Vin seemed to notice my discomfort and walked in ahead of me, bringing out our baby photo album "Do you remember when we found a camera and he took pictures of almost everything?"

"Yeah" It was the first time I was able to breathe properly since we had entered, the memory making me chuckle "Olly took pictures of the weirdest shits"

Vim raised an eyebrow at the curse but then he laughed eventually and showed me the pictures "His favorite thing to do was take pictures of ants. Especially when he saw them in a line"

"He said he liked how they were always together"

Olly.

Vin looked at me "I always wondered— I always wondered if he hated me after I'd left"

"What?"

"He cried that day. He said we three only had each other and I didn't have to go" Vin looked at the pictures, a small smile coming on his face while tears rolled out of his eyes "It made me wonder if I could have protected you if I stayed. Protected him"

I had never seen Vin cry. When we were little, while Olly and I were the little tyrants, he was the responsible one, always try to keep us out of trouble.

I remembered that night I saw him.

How detached he looked. How void.

I didn't think that he must have had felt coming back from a far place to find out his sister hated him and his only younger brother had killed himself.

"I wanted to help you, Skyler. I wanted —" He sighed, looking at me "I'd never seen you look as hurt as that night. You were always such a happy child"

"And shit happened" I had tears in my eyes when I said thay. I was crying a lot thos days

He walked to me "I am so sorry that I left"

I said nothing else to him, just hugged him.

And then I cried, just like the same day Olly died because of the fact that Vin must have felt what I'd felt and maybe even more.

I cried because I had hated him for so long and he had hurt himself because of it.

I told him that Olly didn't hate him. That Olly was proud that you left because he couldn't find the courage to. I told him Olly and I always planned to leave just like he did.

Vin and I talked about how the oil company was going. How much debt Father left us in but he was trying his best to fix everything. I promised to help when I was done with my project. We talked about his children. Twin boys who were upstate in a boarding school.

I talked about my Penny.

Before I left, promising him that I'd let him see Peanut one day, I had asked if I could see Dad

"He's crankier than before" Vin said.

I told him I didn't mind.

Father's room had no single light in it. He was seated on a wheelchair and facing the door when I walked in.

I didn't need to look at him, but I could feel it. That fear and hate I felt for him that had always remained in me. That thing he put there that made me feel like I'd never be enough for him.

For anyone.

"Get out"

His voice hadn't changed, and his eyes still looked at me like I was the most disgusting thing to walk the Earth.

But then I remembered I wasn't. That Holly and Rob loved me. That they were people who recognized me. That thought I was actually a smart, wonderful person.

That there was a man who fought to be enough for me.

"Not until I've said what I wanted to say" And before he could say something else, I continued "I loved you. I did. Even though I thought I didn't, even though I wished I didn't. You were my Father and you took care of me. You never asked for too much and you always did your best. You were an okay Father, but you were a horrible person"

"You treated Mom like shit. You treated Vin like shit. You made me feel like I could never be worthy enough for anyone because if you, that was the first person I'd ever loved didn't want me, no one would"

I thought about how my life would have been if I had stayed back. I wondered if I'd have been like Agnes.

I wondered if I'd ever have Penny.

My voice grew stronger "But it doesn't matter anymore. They say everything happened for a reason and whatever you had done. Whatever you had said to me. No matter how many nightmares I had. No matter how many times I hated and killed myself for it. I am enough. I am smart, and I am wonderful and I might suck at a lot of things but I am grateful for the people that I've met in my life and I wouldn't let the hate you put in me. The fear and the shame, keep me from loving them anymore"

"And so, I forgive you"