Behind the Scenes

When You're Scared to Write

Hey. Remember how I said I might get more vulnerable in this book?

Well, it's time to get vulnerable. 

Have you ever felt scared to write? Right now, that's how I feel. I've never been much of a perfectionist in the sense I thought what being a perfectionist meant. For example, I'm tidy, but I don't obsess over a perfectly clean and organized room. At work, I do my best, but I don't strive to make the shelves look perfect, especially because customers are going to mess it up seconds later anyway. I don't follow a strict routine and I'm more of a go-with-the-flow kind of person.

However recently, I've realized I'm a perfectionist when it comes to creativity, and it's limiting. This story must have perfect grammar. This historical fiction must aline with history perfectly. This fanfiction must be as compatible with canon as possible. Everything I write must be a masterpiece by the first draft. I can't write novels because I can't write them in one day and the first draft is a mess. I know how to write a novel, but I can't make myself do it. 

And then when my first draft does not meet my expectations, I throw it in the archives to never see the light of day. 

Have you ever felt scared to write? Does that blank white paper send all your ideas into the black abyss? Do those dry, rambling paragraphs you wrote a year ago make you cringe and question your ability to write? Does your lack of knowledge of the time period your story is set send your motivation over a cliff? Does the thought of writing make you want to curl under the covers and watch YouTube or your favorite tv show or movie until all daunting thoughts of your potential career fades into tomorrow?

If so, how do you combat it? How do you feel motivated again? It feels like a depression that makes you too tired to do anything, only it's just the one thing that you love. It's hard wanting to express yourself and yet being too scared to because it's not the next J.R.R. Tolkien or C.S. Lewis novel.

I have a story to tell. I have a story I want to tell. Yet every time I even think about opening the draft, I want to distract myself with books or movies or video games or whatever responsibilities I have that are not as fulfilling as what I'm called to do. I strongly feel called to write this story. I think it's something God wants me to do, and I won't find satisfaction unless I obey Him. And yet the thought of finishing the first draft makes my stomach turn. 

Lately, going outside in the warm sunshine has brought me some inspiration. And I recently talked with a friend who also writes that has given me some motivation. I'm also thinking about  journaling, but I don't want to do something that could be a distraction. 

What do you guys do when you're scared of writing? What helps you knock down that wall of perfectionism?

Thank you for listening. I appreciate you all.