Let me in

Chapter 12 : Holding on.

To say that Buck is avoiding Eddie is an understatement.

Eddie didn't mind for the first twenty-four hours. It was a reaction he expected. A normal reaction, which he had too.

But when the twenty-four hours turned into almost three days, Eddie wasn't so understanding.

Buck has no right to leave him like this, not after kissing him like this.

It's not-- He can't think of anything else. The memory of their kiss keeps running through his head. A kiss he didn't even respond to.

And yet...

Now that he knows what it feels like to be kissed by Buck, he can't think of anything else when he sees him. Or when he's in bed late at night and his hand slips under the sheets.

He blames Buck for this. Because it's inappropriate. Buck is his best friend. And he shouldn't want him that way.

"Buck." Eddie calls out to him, finally being alone with him in the locker room for the first time in what seems like forever.

Buck flinches, turning his head toward him with wide eyes, as if Eddie were the last person he expected to see.

Eddie opens his mouth to speak, but Buck beats him to it, looking agitated.

"I'm sorry." He almost exclaims. "I was--I wasn't in my right mind. I didn't know what I was doing. I'm really sorry." He says before swallowing and adding in a small voice; "Please... Don't be mad at me."

And Eddie... Eddie definitely doesn't blame him for kissing him. He also doesn't blame him for not feeling the way he does about that kiss. He doesn't blame him.

But he does blame himself. For putting too much hope in that kiss. For feeling something more for his best friend.

It's not Buck's fault.

"Buck, I'm not mad at you." He says softly and when Buck doesn't look convinced, he continues. "Promise. It's... It's okay. So are we. Everything's fine, okay ?"

Buck stares at him for a moment, and Eddie, strangely, can't read in his eyes. And he hates how unpleasant that feeling is. But he tries to ignore it.

"Okay." Buck finally replies.

They stare at each other for a moment, then Eddie nods and turns, ready to walk away.

But he's barely taken two steps forward when he stops, turns back to Buck, who's facing his locker, his nose buried in his phone, his fingers dangling inches above the screen.

"Buck?" Eddie calls out to him, and Buck immediately raises his head. "How are you holding up?" Eddie asks, almost in a whisper, maybe because he doesn't want anyone else to hear him, probably because it's a subject he's not yet comfortable talking about.

Buck swallows, looking down at his phone, at the name at the top of the screen, at the still open keyboard, at the message saying 'are you free tonight?' and at the 'send' button he hasn't pressed yet.

One click and the message is sent. One click and he knows without a doubt that Olivia will be there tonight, something he desperately needs in the back pocket of her jeans, or hidden in her bra.

But then there's Eddie.

Eddie who is just standing there, whose eyes are filled with worry, with hope.

Eddie, who is still there, and still looking at him the same way, even after he revealed one of the darkest aspects of his life.

So he tries to stretch a smile.