Let me in

Chapter 11 : A truth that hurts.

Buck tries.

He really tries to stop, but Olivia is too good at coaxing him.

And when she offers to invite a friend to the game, Buck can't say no. So he agrees.

And they do... some things. Things he doesn't even want to brag about. Things he's even a little ashamed of afterwards.

He feels bad. And he feels dirty. When the euphoria subsides, and he finds himself alone and thinking about Eddie.

It's stupid.

It's stupid because Eddie is just a friend. His best friend. But a friend. So he shouldn't feel bad. He shouldn't feel guilty. Maybe guilty of dipping his nose into the powder without an ounce of hesitation, but certainly not guilty of sharing a bed with another man.

Yet it is the case.

That night, he stays in the shower longer than he would normally be able to. The water always feels uncomfortable, but what just happened... is even more so.

He needs to wash away this night. To get rid of it. And to never do it again.

It's a few days after that that he makes the decision to stop for good.

Because, even nearly a week later, he still feels dirty, he still thinks about it... like an embarrassing, regrettable old memory that follows you like a shadow.

And because it's the kind of thing that Evan would have done no problem with, but Buck would never do.

And he doesn't want to be Evan. He doesn't want to be Evan ever again.

So this time when he says no to Olivia, he means it and no matter how much she insists, he won't give in. The weekend is coming up and it's going to be horribly difficult, Buck knows that.

He hasn't even reached the end of the week yet and his knee is already bouncing incessantly under the table.

Yeah... It's going to be tough.

Eddie can't stop thinking about it.

Even after almost two weeks, he keeps thinking about it.

He can't help it, he thinks about it every time he looks at Buck.

He thinks about his best friend, with that woman.

He thinks about his best friend, snorting coke.

He shudders every time.

It's unpleasant. Like... A kind of constant tingling under his skin.

It's even more unpleasant when he gets the bad feeling that there's something more underneath this story. A missing piece.

As if it was there, in front of his eyes, but that he could not put his finger on it.

This feeling is heightened when he walks into the locker room one morning and Buck's body is exposed, dark stains in the form of fingerprints on his sides, visible even from the doorway.

Bruises too large to match a woman's fingers.

And that feeling is heightened once again, today.

Because Eddie is watching Buck from his place on the couch in the firehouse loft and Buck is... different.

He looks a little restless.

Well, he always is, but usually in a cheerful, energetic way. Today, he seems rather... anxious.

Eddie can tell by the way his leg keeps bouncing. The way his hand repeatedly passes over the back of his neck. The way he has trouble concentrating on anything, his eyes following every movement around him.