Him | k.sj.

.8

Days have passed since their comeback and they were gearing up for another tour, this one lasting for two months. He responded to my thank you twenty-four hours later and left it at that. I didn't like hurting Jin. Each second passing only made it thicken, and soon there will be a wall barricading his heart.

I've practiced what I would say to him if I ever saw him again. Most of it involved apologizing profusely while working on revealing my true feelings. Then I began thinking of the many ways he would reject me and my feelings would be lost forever. I hate where we are.

Seokjin and I had the best friendship. I could talk to him about anything, no matter what. Even when mother nature would settle in for a few days, he would comfort me. When I couldn't stop thinking of my mother or needing a break from my father's worry, Seokjin was there. I'm scared. I'm scared I've lost the best part of my life and will never have it back. This is what I deserve.

I went out and bought a keyboard to take up a small space in my apartment. It may not be the grand piano at Jin's, but it will serve the purpose. I haven't stopped listening to their album and even adapted a version of song number six. My plan is to give it to Jin when the time is right, but who knows when.

Seunga mentioned they were performing the infamous Lotte Family Concert. I've gone with her every other year, but I couldn't this year. Seeing him there will only remind me he will be gone and we will have no resolution-both of us too afraid of any more hurt we can do. I give up. I surrender. Whatever Seokjin decided, I will oblige, even if he never wanted to be friends again.

The doorbell interrupted my thoughts, and I stood up from my keyboard. I wasn't expecting company, especially this late, but I wouldn't turn it down, regardless of who it was. I guess I've grown lonely in these days. Not bothering to ask who it was or glance through my peephole, I opened it.

Dryness soon burned my throat, and my stance paralyzed. I pictured this moment for the last few days-how he would appear or what I would say. I even rehearsed a few lines, but all this became absent the minute our gazes met. Sometimes, seeing Seokjin was like seeing him for the first time. My heart would race and my lips would quiver. I was so struck by his beauty and bewilderment at why he would want my company. I still wonder.

"May I come in, Hazel?" He asked, voice low and polite. I smiled as a response and stepped aside to let him in. A typical response from Jin would be to take off his coat and roam my place, signaling he would be around for a while, but this wasn't one of those times. I closed the door behind me and followed him.

"Can I offer you a drink, soda, water?" I asked.

Seokjin turned toward me, eyes barely looking at me, and shook his head. "I won't be staying long," he answered.

Part of me was upset. Kicking myself for turning our friendship this way. I could plead my case and beg for his forgiveness, but I know Seokjin. When he's hurt, it's hard to get back in. I've diluted his trust, and now I will suffer the consequences of it. "What can I do for you, then?" I wondered.

Seokjin huffed, shoving his hands into his pockets. His lips quivered as his gaze pierced the ground. He took quick breaths, as if he were preparing to speak. I braced myself for whatever I am to hear.

He kept a distance between us-I'm sure it's better this way. After a brief pause, he finally lifted his gaze to me. "We've sent nothing but mixed signals to each other for the past few months and we need to clear the air," he began. I nodded, waiting for the rest. "I feel like I open my heart to you and you shut me out every way possible, Zee. I opened up to you, told you what I wanted, gave you the time to you needed, and you took advantage of me."

"No! Seokjin, I..." He lifted his hand to stop me.

"Yes, you have. So, I get it, okay. I get that you're not ready for a relationship, but we can't use each other, Hazel. It's not fair to you or me." He continued.

"You're right. It's not, but it doesn't change how I feel for you, Seokjin." I shook my head, hoping to shake away the tears with it. "It doesn't."

"There is a reason you don't date idols, Hazel. You can't handle it. I know you care, but how can we work? We both need time, and I want to focus on my career. I need to focus. It's became important to me and I don't need distractions like this." Seokjin inched closer, but his pockets remained in his hands. His gaze, teary with ruby stained in his eyes. "Maybe we should chill, for a bit." He stated and stepped away from me, headed towards the door.

"Seokjin, I love you!" I blurted, turning towards him. I didn't want to hold in my feelings anymore and lose him. It's his decision for space, but I can't imagine my days without speaking to him. "Please, don't do this." I pleaded.

Seokjin stopped, turned to me and stared. A tear drizzled his blush cheek as his eyes teared more. He didn't respond, only stared. Seconds passed before he turned back towards the door and opened it, closing it behind him and never looking back.

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