And Then You

37 / maureen

"HOW'S the car?"

"Good," she answers before shoving another forkful of pasta in her mouth.

Nang walang ibang sinabi ang tatay niya, waiting for her to expound, Maureen takes a deep breath and adds, "Um, it's running well. Very smooth. Walang problems. I'm using it 'pag lumalabas kami ng friends ko and when I visit Kuya. Thanks again."

Each word feels like vomit in her mouth, but she promised herself she'd be civil kasi malaking tulong din naman ang kotse. Kahit secondhand, at least mayro'n at hindi na napapagod si Kuya Inggo sa biyahe papunta at pabalik from Blue all the time.

"That's great. I'm glad," sabi ni Michael with a smile, pouring soda into her glass. "You're graduating soon, right?"

"Next semester," she answers shortly, fiddling with her pasta again, but makes an effort to at least look him in the eye. "Kuya is almost done with second year. He—"

"I'm here to talk to you...about you, Mau," her dad says quietly, still smiling. "Your brother answers my messages. Nakikita ko rin siya sa bahay 'pag dumadaan sila ni Jiya. Pero ikaw...you take every chance you can get to avoid me, so I really want to know more about you."

Maureen fists the table napkin on her lap with her hands. Then she says, "I...am fine. Doing well in school and writing my thesis. I really enjoyed my OJT last summer so baka 'yon din ang gagawin ko when I graduate."

His smile widens, relief evident in the slump of his shoulders. "I read all of your articles and shared them with my colleagues. You have a talent, Mau."

"Thank you."

Humingi siya ng menu. "You like sweets, 'di ba? Anong gusto mong flavor? May strawberry, may lemon, chocolate, tiramisu..."

She takes a steady breath and looks at him.

She has wrestled, for years, with the resentment she has only felt for the first man she ever loved. Naisip na niya na baka OA na siya. Matagal na 'yon, baka too harsh siya on him. Dapat mag-move on na lang siya o dapat gayahin na lang niya si Kuya Migo.

Pero hindi mawala-wala sa isip at puso ni Maureen yung sakit at grief when she looked at the door every night and waited for him to come home because she was sure he was going to. When she sent him message after message about her day that he never read or replied to and left him voicemail after voicemail that he never listened to or returned. When she cried herself to sleep and Kuya Migo rocked her and said, "Dito si Kuya, Mau. Wala kang ginawa, walang mali sa 'yo, dito si Kuya, Mau," whenever she asked him kung ano bang mali ang ginawa niya at ano ang pwede niyang gawin para bumalik ang tatay nila.

Her bottom lip quivers as she exhales.

"May mocha din," tuloy niya, looking at her expectantly. "Anong—"

"Cheesecake," sagot ni Maureen nang mahina. "Cheesecake na lang. Paborito ko 'yon kasi 'yon ang parating binibili para sa 'kin ni Kuya he was in high school. Dinadalhan niya ako n'on para lang makita akong ngumiti."

The smile on his face begins to fade. "Mau...I am trying." He sounds so tired. Almost as tired as Maureen feels sitting here in front of him. "At iba pa rin ang kuya mo sa tatay mo."

"To me, they're the same person. This dinner does not mean that I've forgiven you. The car does not mean that I've forgiven you."

Michael swallows thickly. "I know that. All I'm asking for—"

"You are not in a position to ask me of anything. And Kuya can forgive you all he wants, it's his right and his decision, pero ako? You made me believe na madali lang akong iwan. That my love—that I—was never enough for you to stay. I begged you, naalala mo? And you shrugged me off like lint on your clothes. I know you're trying to make amends, but I don't think I can find it in myself to ever forgive you for what you did to my kuya because he shouldered all of the burden when I, Mama, and Megan were broken. Nagpalakas siya para sa 'ming tatlo dahil sa 'yo no'ng bata pa siya and if the trauma you left us breaks him or me or Megan in the future...I will look at you and see nothing but a waste of oxygen."