DEPRESSION and OBSESSION

PART 26

Rip Jocelyn Flores
__________________________

JAHSEH POV:

Too see her so broken and vundreble, so lifeless, it made me angry almost. Not at her but at the people that made her feel the need to. Not only at them but at me too because although it wasn't all my fault part of it was. I hurt her and that drives me crazy. She went through so much shit in the short life she lived. The way she lived was in no way justafyable. That image of her plays in my head over and over and over again.

While she is in whatever is next after life I'm sat on my bed in my head. Im stuck in my thought and although I want to get away from them I can't. There is pain with her death for me but that's deserved, for all the shit I put her and other people in my life through every ounce of pain that is put upon me I deserve. I'm tired but so was she, i am greeving but so was she, I'm in pain but so was she. Everything that I am struggling with now she has been dealing with for years. She seemed happy but was broken. I should have seen through it. I knew that she was going through some shit but I didn't think it was this bad and that is because I am simply stupid. If I wasn't I would have seen. I fucking hate that I couldn't save her. I could have been there but instead I was off at a club.

I looked down at aria who was layed next to me asleep, I told her bout Jocelyn when I got back and her response I can't quite describe, she seemed sad but not affected at the same time, like she was hiding it. That's the thing though, she could be going through the same shit as Joyce was and I can't know. I don't even know the whole story of what she went through as a kid so I will never know. She could be as broken as Joyce was. I can't keep losing people. If I loose aria imma go crazy. If I lost her it would brake me. Everyone around me just seems to die and it makes me consider the fact that it might just be better for everyone around me if I was just dead. Im only still alive for them so maybe I should die, maybe its better. I always hurt people, I don't mean to but I just do and there is no way out of that. The pain and suffering I put on people that don't deserve it, I do it so often without even realising. I drive myself and everyone around me crazy. I'm am more of a burden on people than my life is worth.

I lay in my head surrounded by my thought, my mind drives me crazy.i consider death and life. Trying to find an answer like a roll of a dice but I'm left answer less. I don't know what to do. I don't want to move from my bed but I lay questioning weather death is an option so my mind edges towards my blade. In my head it's been hidden away not to be touch. I stayed away from it for arias sake. Now I don't know if I can stand feeling like this so I feel like it is the only option left. I struggle to pull my body from the bed and each step it like a thousand miles of walking. Once I reach the bathroom I want to sink to the floor and waist away but I can't. It's thus or death and I know it. I can't stay this way, I can't hurt aria like that. She doesn't deserve that.

So I sit on the bathroom floor with a blade in my hand and blood on my wrist. Each cut holds a peace of my pain. Each one has a story. Some told and some hidden but the pain still wants to taunt me so I clean my wrists and hide the blade in the same place it was before, I put on a hoodie and find myself wandering into the kitchen and finding my Xanax. The same thing I got annoyed at aria for taking, I have in my sister at this very moment. So I simply rest on my bed and hope the next day will be better. I can only hope that it will get better because I couldn't handle it if it got worse

__________________
Emotions can drive you crazy. RIP JAH AND JOCELYN

Sorry for the wait. I didn't have the time to type

Love y'all 💗

vote and comment