warning: SH and suicide are mentioned in this chapter
mean while
JOCELYN POV:
"tell jah i said thank you for the lift here" i smiled
"i will have a nice evening, ill be here in the morning" he replied
"goodnight" i said and shut the door
i looked around the room, how much did this cost him? i put my bags near the bed and sat down just thinking bout the whole situation. i barley been around emily for a few days and she already dont like me, that aint anything new though. im not easy to like in the first place. i dont even see why jah wanted me here in the first place. litteraly not even my family likes me. Atleast when im dead it wont hurt them in anyway. itll prolly make them happy,thats all i want, i just want them to be happy. even if they dont want the same for me, i dont even want that for me. i dont deserve to be happy i never have and never will.
my hands are shakey but thats prolly cuz i havent eaten, i dont need to eat i need to lose some weight anyway. i wont be here for very long so theres no point waisting food on me.
"your not woth shit,you never will be. your only here to be used" those words played in my head over and over and over
thats what my uncle told me, it isnt a lie though.he never bothered to lie to me, i wasnt even worth a lie. the only time he said a lie that had anything to do with me was to my parents, he said that i was lieing about what he did, though i cant blame him, its my fault he did it in the first place. i want to cry but i cant, i want to scream but cant the only thing i can do is die. its the only way out. theres no one i can hurt if i do either
my hole body feels heavy like ive got weights in my pockets, my breath is short and unsteady. this is the same feeling i got when my uncle was around, its the same feeling when my dad died. i fucking hate being like this. this is why my uncle did it, cuz i always left my self open. i was always so defenceless
" no one would care if you died, it'd make em happy and you know it" i remember the blank expression on his face when he said that
he didnt give a fuck how it affected me, im wothless no one would. i deserve it, i deserve to feel pain and hurt, I DESERVE It
i got up and went to my bag, i searched through it eventually finding it. i went to the bathroom and looked through the first aid kit. i found rubbing alchohol before sitting down on the floor. I WILL ALWAYS DESERVE IT. i dragged the blade across my wrist again and again and again until i could do no more. my vision was blurry but i just sat there and watched each drop of blood fall to the floor. i got the alchohol and put it on a papr towl before pressing it into my arm. i clenched my jaw from the pain. my vision got blurrier and blurrier. it might not kill me. i dont wanna wake up from this , i wont wake up from this. i walked unsteady over to my bag. jah had given me a bottel of anti depressence he had because i couldnt bring them on the plain. i got a cup of water and swallowed a few and then more and more and more until there was no more
what if some one shows up? i went to the bathroom and shut the door then i locked it. a smile grew across my face. its over, its all going to be over. this is something i havent felt in a while, im happy. im happy because i wont wake up to this shit whole of a planet. i grabbed a pen and paper that i brought with me.
im sorry i wadsnt what you wanted me to be. helped me so much and i could not do the same in return
i dont ewant to hurt you any more. i dont want to feel the hurt anymore
i was put through things i wasnt strong enough to servive. you all did so much for me and my last few days i spent here i didnt feel alone
i had some one i could talk to, for that i thank you. im sorry i wasnt srong enough.
its not ypour fault. never blame yourself,ever.
i love all of you
i felt like i was going to get sick so i dropped the pen and paper and went to the toilet. i wretched a few times before i actually threw up. it was just pure blood. the pain in my stomach got worse.YOU DESERVE TO FEEL PAIN. even when im on the verge of dieing i still feel so worthless. i finally stopped throwing up. my eyes got heavier than before. they opened and closed repetitivly. i blinkec one last time and they stayed shut
ILL SEE YOU SOON DAD
_______________
rip jocelyn
sorry for spelling mistakes
YOU ARE READING
DEPRESSION and OBSESSION
FanficJahseh Onfroy is a teen struggling with depression and OCD when his friend Stokley introduced him to a new girl that just moved into his neighbourhood. Little did he know that girl would change him, but was it for the better or worse?
