Late night thoughts

{Imagining}

So I know everyone reads stories. But do they read them?
What I mean is do you imagine yourself in the main character's position? My friends recently brought it up, and her boyfriend makes fun of her for it. I thought it was normal? Do people do it and not notice?
My friends always say that I'm weird for obsessing over books the way I do. And that I'm weird for imagining me in certain scenes. But I can't help it.. I just wish I had a girlfriend or boyfriend to do that type of stuff with.
  And then they make fun of me for wanting that type of stuff. I've never been one of those girls who got much good physical attention. And I still don't. The attention I get now is from my friends. And it's nothing good, it just makes me uncomfortable. It's mostly the boys.
   And they're just horny, they aren't attracted to me. I'm not attractive in anyway, I'm not even average. I've been told so many times. By my own friends as well. So I know.
   So when I read I imagine I'm in a better place, where I'm loved. One where my life isn't so fucked. Don't get me wrong, I've been asked out by boys. But they're fuckboys. They don't want anything but a good fuck. And that's not me.
   So I've resorted to dating one girl. But she's using me as well. I know that, and I've accepted it.
  But lately I've become more and more distant from her, but not just her, others as well. I've pretended I'm grounded just to get a break from them. It didn't last long. They still proceeded to send me messages, knowing I could get into big trouble. I specifically wanted to ignore 2 people however. They won't leave me alone. They're always around.
   They're always touching me, in some type of way. Wether it's playing with my hair or punching me. I don't like it. And neither does my other friend, it pisses her off. Either because she sees how uncomfortable I am, because they didn't listen to her, or she's being ignored by them.
   However, if the last one is the case. I'll gladly let her take the attention if that's what she wants. But she already gets lots from one of them. This is all I get. Granted it pissses me off that I get it, it's still the most I'm gonna get.
   I've tried to walk away from them, ignore them, be shitty as fuck so that they'll hate me. Nothing works. I don't want to lose them as friends but I've had enough, I need my space.
   One of them tries to 'protect' me from the other, not knowing that it's both of them. I don't know if it's because they're boys or what. I have an interest in boys but not when they're hounding me like that. That just makes me extremely uncomfortable.
   I always just want to tell them to fuck off but I know better than to do that. Especially when I'll get yelled at by the teacher. But if he seen how uncomfortable I was he'd understand. I'm just so sick of feeling this way. I haven't done anything wrong. So why am I being punished? I've had enough of being punished. It's nonstop.
   My parents.. my past.. everything all bundled up. How much more can I take? My only escape is my books. And nobody gets that (except you guys). My only escape used to be school. But now I'm constantly harassed by girls, and the boys. I just want it to end.
   I've thought of switching schools, but how would I do that? I can't drive... and they're (my 'friends') always telling me that I have to stay at this school. Even though they see me everyday, and see how it affects my mental health. I need as much help I can get since I'm off my meds and am out of counseling.
   And then they're always scolding me for not being at school because I'm in and out of the doctors office. I can't help that.. trust me I wish I was normal too.
   Instead I resort to books. Just to be happy.