Late night thoughts

{Pain}

   Is it supposed to hurt this bad? So bad to where you want to relapse(not drugs)? I'm so fucking broken. He was my happiness and the stupid cunt took him away from me.

   I get that she's so much prettier. And they're the same skin color.. What does that have to do with anything? I don't know ask my friend that, she said that it's one of the reasons he's with her. Maybe it's culture? Maybe that's what his parents want, I don't know anymore.

  I cry myself to sleep most nights because I miss him so much. It sucks ass. Once the tears start they don't stop until my body is too exhausted to release them. I'm sick of feeling this way all the time.

   I just want to feel better again. He found me at the worst time in my life, and he helped me. He was my hero.. Why did everything have to change? I fudged up by leaving him I know, but I had to work on myself, he siad he'd wait... and I had somwthing going on in my life, he knew that. He was the only person I told..

   our relationship wasn't perfect but I was happy. We had quite a few bumps along the road but that didn't matter to me. We got past it every time. But I don't know if we can get past this... It's not just a big bump it's a huge one. One that has changed everything...

   Now don't get me wrong he had a relationship between us... (We split up and got back together.) But we broke up again. And now we're here... The reasoning for him ending the last one, it was my fault. I gave him an ultimatumn, her or me.. I regret it with everything in me. I can't change the past.. no matter how much I wish I could.

   But even so, I was trying to do better this time around.. but he keeps flirting with me.. he keeps calling me baby, princess, sweetheart, etc. He has a gorgeous girlfriend how can he do this to her? Was he doing this to me? No, I know he was. I caught him doing it with my best friend.

   God I'm such a fugging hypocrite.. I'm letting him cheat on his gf.. I fugging suck.

   Thre's also a chance she doesn't exist.. He said that and I quote, "She goes to my school" then said he'd never seen her butt or had no pictures of her? Then changed his story to "I lied, she lives in Kentucky" I'm just confused?

   I wish I had her socials so I could tell her everything. He told me that his "friends" account was actually her, and then changed it to "It's actually mine" keep in mind that he said this "friend" called me cute and had a crush on me?

   I just.. I don't know what to do anymore. I need to get out of the situation.. It's toxic for me and him. We're toxic for each other. He was my first love, but now I have to let go.. I don't think we should even be freinds anymore.. And it's really my fault. I pushed him to this.. He said he was calling me pet names to make me happy. Then changed his story to say he wanted to.. that was before I found out his girlfriend existed. I don't know how long they've been dating so I don't know how long he was flirting with me before I found out.

   We're both in the wrong here. But more so me because I'm allowing him to do these things. All because of my love for him. My friends have told me that he's taking advantage of my love for him. I want to say he is but then my head gets conflicted.. I can see why they think that ways. But I just don't think he's like that.. but at the same time I do. Ugh I don't know..