I'M OKAY

7

"Welcome back Tay!" All her siblings ran to hug her as she entered the house. Jason was right behind Taylor carrying her hospital bag. Taylor only gave them the tiniest smile as she hugged them back and ruffled their hair in greeting. "We missed you." Mal sniffled as Cory looked up at her with eyes full of unshed tears and Amanda would not stop crying while clinging to Taylor's leg.

"Aw they adore you Taylor." Jason whispered to Taylor but her eyes were staring off into space, lost.

'I do not deserve all this love. I'm a monster.' She thought to herself.

She was shaken out of her thoughts by Amanda who kept trying to pull her further into the house. Taylor followed her and the rest into the lounge where they all sat down.

"Taylor Taylor how was the hospital?" Amanda asked her.

"Horrible but I'm okay." She replied with a forced smile.

"I'm happy you are back, sis." Cory said with a broad smile.

"Thanks." Cue the forced smile.

"Sis, are you okay, really?" Mal asked. The kid was more knowledgeable than her age qualified for.

"Yes I am." Taylor replied in exasperation before standing up and walking to her room with Jason in tow.

She entered the room and slammed the door in Jason's face but he simply opened it and entered like nothing happened. There sat Taylor on the ground leaning against her bed with her head bowed down as she held her knees closer to her chest. Her breaths were coming out rapid as she rubbed away the unshed tears from her eyes.

"Taylor lift your head up for me. Deep breaths Taylor. Follow what I'm doing, okay? Taylor look at me. Please. In." He inhaled deeply and she mirrored his actions. "And....out." He exhaled and she did the same. This went on for about two minutes until she was calm. Then she begun to cry.

Silent tears turned into hysterics. Jason watched her with a straight face, unmoving probably giving her space to let everything out as he had learnt to do since Taylor did not like to be comforted. He tried to comfort her numerous times before and she always ended up lashing out. This time he let her be. She cried until she became weak and went quiet.

"Wanna talk about it?" He asked and she nodded weakly. To say it was a very huge surprise was an understatement in that Jason could not even mask the shock on his face.

"Yes," She sighed. "I'm ready to share with you. Maybe then your therapist mom will get off my back." She gave Jason a tight smile and he chuckled as he moved to sit next to her while leaning against her bed.

There was silence until Taylor cleared her throat. "Um,"

"If you're not...." Jason started but Taylor cut him off.

"No Jason, I want to." She paused before continuing. "Ever since.... ever since my parents died, it's like I was sucked into this wormhole with....with no life, guilt, no dreams, nothing to look forward to, emptiness." She sighed heavily. "I thought I would fight for myself and my little ones against the world but I became weak. Everytime I saw them cry because they missed our parents, I felt as guilty as hell for killing them."

"I don't think...." Jason but she cut him off angrily.

"You do not know anything Jason so will you please let me finish this?" She sighed before continuing.
"Go ahead."

"As I was saying, I killed my parents and.....and I'll never move on from that. When you see me cutting myself, you should not stop me because that is me trying to feel the same pain as my parents did and had you not tracked my phone down that day, I would have died and all of you would have lived happily ever after." She finished.

Then there was a tense silence between the two with the only noise present coming from the backyard where Taylor's siblings were playing.

"But I'm okay." She whispered.