An Indie Musician's Diary Volume 4: Album two in the making

April 21st 2022: A Dog or a Computer?

First, Musixmatch Status

So I'm done filling in all the lyrics from all the songs I've release (except Our Father) and I'm done syncing them and verifying them for distribution on Spotify through  Musixmatch (see yesterday's post about it). Better late than never. I guess it is going to take them a few days to get them live but for now, my work is done.

Later today I will be trying to get the song Jesus I Love you completed. It seems like it is a never ending vocal editing trial of my patience. I am following Mark Monday's advice and using the Magic Track Re-Animator method to push my last three songs before I embark on the album Abide. The sun is shining, the birds are singing and I want to get done so I can enjoy some of this beautiful weather!

Rant

I'm just gonna take a second to share how I feel after seven years of trying to do all this music. I know I must be crazy to keep on going on, but still I keep on going on....

A dog or computer?

Sometimes I think to myself, "I would be happier throwing all this music stuff away and getting a dog. At least it would make me exercise more and the dog would give me a reaction equal to my action - something that this music work doesn't provide!" That's how I feel about making music some days but then I remember the cost, the having to go for a walk no matter the weather and how limited I'd be if I want to travel. Then there is the problem if I am recording a vocal track and the dog barks in the middle of it.

Other days I think buying a new computer and an iPad is what I need. That would make it possible for me to continue to do music for many more years, (my MacBook is now 8 years old!)

On some days, I'm proud that I am beating the system and getting my music out there despite all the difficulties I've faced. I think about where I was when I started and how far I've come. My bass skills. My vocal tone....yeah I definitely see massive progress. The early mixes were BAD but I'm getting better! If I had been working a typical job I wouldn't be able to do any music on this level.

Then days come where all I want to do is have a "real" job. I'd have colleagues and a pay check which means I'd have the ability to buy more clothes, travel and even give to others more. Then I remind myself that I was not as free as I am now and that I am my own boss. I can help my family, neighbours and others whenever they need help. Day or night. No up early after a bad nights sleep. I can sleep in if I need to.  And there's no boss complaining over details, pushing for more results that don't give me anything and shaming my better than good results (just to keep my pay low). I have no pay but I have freedom and freedom is gold!

Back and forth/Up and Down

So, it is this constant back and forth between the ups and downs of being an indie musician. My mind gets tired of the constant, pelting gusts of wind of doubt plummeting my tree. I am the one that can turn it off when I want to by setting short term goals and I am the one that can let them rip me to shreds.

So I decided that after the Abide album I will not mention any more music releases to my husband. He is the one that pumps me up and tells me to continue long after I feel like it is working. Of course, he does it in well meaning. But, if he doesn't know of any new music in the pipeline, then he won't push me. (Strategy!!!)

I can push myself when I want to. That is enough. Enough is enough with working this hard with almost no response and no pay....i's not worth it. One more year at most! That's it! 2023 is going to be a year where I write my books and then faze into art more and more. I want to get back to art asap. Just like the art show I had in 2012 was the start of a break in the art I was doing, 2023, if I live that long, will be a shift back to art and writing. It's time.

I have no desire to continue with music after that - not full time anyway. Unless things change...

After the Abide album I plan to get back into art again and continue to help my kids and grandkids. That's where my heart is.

Where is your heart?

Do you really want to keep trying to get your music out there? We all know the competition is deadly. We all know that the industry and the algorithms are against us. The companies that promise to help you out want money to do it. You and I see through this.

Please know that there are days when you will be up and days when you are down. They will come and go. Having a short term and a long term goal can help keep your head above the water and keep your eyes on the prize. But when it all comes down to the nitty gritties of why we indies make music, it has to be because we love what we do. 

I still love what I do

After years of hard work and little recognition I still love learning mixing. I still love singing and learning how to sing better. I love learning the bass, and songwriting. I still love what I do.

What I hate is

- being eternally stuck in a mix bc it is cumbersome...the vocals are untuned and many...

- the fear of failure is heavy on me too. Never sure that anyone will like anything and never satisfied with what I produce

- the loneliness of doing all this on my own. I don't think we humans are meant to do big projects alone. I don't understand how Noah put up with building an ark for over 100 years! Gosh!

- the lack of liquidity. No pay for the music! I earned 159 USD two years ago for my lyrics and 11 USD total for the to years on CD Baby. Can't pay the bills when you are not a band doing gigs and selling merch. Nope.

- the competition: There are 80 million songs on Spotify. I am a drop in the ocean. There are too many others selling beats and sync licensing who are far better than I am. That's where the money is and I won't even try to compete with them.

- I am afraid of posting on social media. I look old. Maybe I should just pack my bags and get a dog!

So, it's a mixed bag of feelings and I don't know if a dog or a new computer or just going into the writing and art stage is the right thing to do right now. Some days I just get locked into an ever down spiralling, unproductive mental circle, hot mess.

I'm stuck now

All I know is I have these three songs: Jesus I Love You, God Loves Rock n Roll and Seek Truth that are stuck and keeping me from embarking on my next album, Abide. I'm tired of being stuck. I'm tired of being alone making music out here in the countryside. I'm tired of not having any help of any kind. No band. No manger. No publicist. No financial support except my hubby. No merch sales. No growth. Darn it I am sick of it all.

Reality hurts but is helpful

I am beginning to accept the fact that very few really care about my music. As soon as I have a pause in releasing new songs the attention drops. Maybe I haven't done marketing right. I have posters cramp - can't get myself to post on TikTok, Instagram or Facebook. I know now that that inactivity causes the fear of posting to grow and I need to make a decision if I am going to do this the right way (with much promotion) or not.

But, darn it, I have worked so hard doing everything from songwriting to promotion and music videos for seven years, full-time and now I am so tired. Up and down.

In conclusion

If you are feeling up and down as a musician. It is completely normal. I don't think it is a question of buying a dog or a new computer, The problem goes deeper. Do you believe in yourself? Are you having fun making music? Are you satisfied with how your life is now?

Just write down what you want to change and how you are going to do it and then do it. Don't just sit there letting the wind of doubt and inactivity pound you to pieces! You can change your situation and I intend to change mine in the next few months. We can do it!

Until next time.....

#indiemusic #musicproduction #musician