Harry Styles Mini Me

Ch.20 Worries at night and an important compromise

Tonight has been a very emotional night for me. Hell, it's been a whole day full of tears. Lennon just turned two months old so that means shots. He's calmed considerably since getting the immunizations but now he's fast asleep and I'm honestly comforting myself more than I'm comforting him at this point as I watch over him sobbing in his nursery. "Baby? Baby, where are you?" Harry asks as he completely misses me standing in the nursery with Lennons door wide open and his little lamps are the only source of light in the room as he logically checks our room across the hall. "Over here." I whisper, waving at him. He jumps a bit seeing me standing in the middle of the shadowy room. "Hey baby, what's up, is Lennie ok?" I nod. He's fine and knowing that makes me suddenly embarrassed as I smash my hand over my mouth to silence another sob.

"Woah, woah, baby hey, what's going on?" I shrug, taking a minute to compose myself enough to speak. "Wh-what if he's not ok?" Harry places his hands on my shoulders to ground me and sighs, a little smile upturning his lips. His 'you're silly' smile. "Baby, he's alright. We were just at the doctor and everything checks out right? Lennie loo is perfectly healthy and growing like a champ. You don't need to be worried ok?"

I shake my head, throwing out my hands, exasperated. "No, no, I mean, what if he's scared of the dark? Or he wakes up and we don't hear him so he thinks we left or forgot about him? Or, or..." I trail off, starting to hyperventilate, my teeth becoming tingly. "Ok, here's what we're gonna do, you, my dear are going to go into our bathroom to splash some water on your face to make the tingles stop and I'll be right behind you with Mr. Lennon. And he can sleep in our room in his bassinet ok? Hell be safe and cozy in there while you get to calm down a bit?" I nod but my feet don't start moving toward our master bathroom until Harry has Lennon securely cuddled into his strong arms.

As Lennon feels himself being moved, he lets out a disgruntled squeak. "Oh yes, mister I know. It's ok, daddy's got ya, you're just gonna stay in daddy and mummy's room tonight ok? Would that be ok? Oh you're already snoring again? I'll take that as a yes, my love." Harry looks over to me with a smile on his face when he hears me give a halfhearted giggle, my face still red and blotchy. "Ok, let's go, your boys are right behind ya."

After splashing cold water on my face I do honestly feel much better. And cleaner too which is always a plus. And I can still see Lennon behind me in the mirror. I stand straight again and Harry comes up behind me, offering me a headband and kissing my shoulder. "See, everything's ok. I'm proud of you for calming yourself down and see? Buddy's still asleep, he has no idea you were upset." I smile, adverting my eyes. That's one of my parental goals. No matter how upset I get, I never want Lennon to see that because I never want him to become 'the fixer' like I did. I was one to see pain or upset on my family mu members faces and I took on the job of trying to fix EVERYONES problems and put everyone's well-being before mine. I never want my Lennon to feel that responsibility. Ever. Harry wraps an arm around my torso from behind, pushing me back into his chest. "I just wanna protect him." I say, sighing. Harry nods. "I know but you can't survive without sleep either." Most of the time, I prefer to take little catnaps during the day while Anne, Gemma, or Lou are here visiting and are occupied with Lennons cuteness and watch over Lennon at night. My little intrusive anxiety voice tells me something will happen if I don't watch my sons every little move... so Harry and I are still adjusting. Taking shifts during the night.
"He'll wake you up in a few hours anyway to feed. How about I take the first shift. I know your attacks take it all outta ya. Get some rest and we'll still be here when ya wake up, I promise ok?" After giving Lennon one last look, I finally relent and curl up under the covers which have honestly never felt more cozy and am asleep in seconds

I can tell I'm dreaming because Lennons little hungry squawks are reaching through my subconscious. My body feels so heavy though so waking up feels nearly impossible to tend to him.

——

(6:20 am)

I finally startle awake just in time to see Harry with his back to me in his boxers and an old ratty University sweatshirt that used to be Gemma's but was too big for her so of course baby brother Harry stole it when she went back to school after a holiday. I find him attempting to tiptoe out of the room carrying a rather a squeaky wriggly Lennon. "Hey, no wait I'm up." I rasp out. Harry gasps a bit, noticing I'm sitting up in the shadows of the room. "Oh shit, you scared me. I was just gonna get lil man a bottle. Didn't want to wake you up." He smiles at me apologetically. I reach my hand out toward them. "Wait for me. I need to get up and moving." Harry shrugs. "Bub, it's only 6 in the morning." I put my hand in the middle of his back and push him in the slightest, silently telling him not to fight me. I nod, understanding the early hour. "I'm ok. I'm coming with." Instead of waiting to have Harry try to fight me to go back to bed, I walk ahead of him out of the room and soon hear Harry following behind me.

We're both sitting at the Kitchen table as Lennon sucks at a bottle listening to the coffee machine burble out the fresh liquid when I decide to speak again. I sigh. "Harry, I know you want to look after me and make sure I'm ok and of course I want to do that for you too but we have to accept this is our new normal." I pause, pointing at Lennon as he eats. "He runs our lives now. And I know that's strange and it's still new but I'm sure we can get a routine down soon where we can go one day where we feel like we might know what we're doing, ok?" Harry inhales through his nose, glancing down at Lennon as he takes in the last milky drops in his bottle. "Ok, I'll back off a bit, but talk to me. Please, just tell me if you need me to do anything. I do know you like the back of my hand but I can't read your mind. I know you think it's just be easier if I could read it but scientists haven't figured that out yet." We both chuckle as Harry puts Lennon over his shoulder, rubbing his small back to get his wind up. "Ok, I'll try." He nods, eyeing me over our sons shoulder. "Please, it makes me feel useful." I take his hand, pressing a kiss to the back of it lookin into the living room, eyeing the couch. "Can we stay down here? I kinda just wanna snuggle and find some crappy show to listen to?" He nods, adjusting Lennon in his arms. "Sure. But don't be surprised if I fall asleep on ya." I giggle, taking his hand and gently pulling him along with me. "Ok."

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Idk what that ending was but I feel that conversation was important ❤️ see ya soon.