Slowburn

Chapter 84

         I know I am only a few days late for my period, which can happen for a mulitude of reasons, but because I know how often Renzo and I started having unprotected sex I began to panic. One day, okay don't panic. Two days, okay maybe it's coming later. Day three...sheer and utter panic.

I'm on birth control!! That's what those devil pills are for!! To prevent this! This is coming to me at the worst possible time. A time when things are so uncertain between Renzo and myself. He would be furious. He wouldn't stay in my life and help raise a child. 

Would I even want him to be the father of my child?! He's a criminal and a certified nut job. He's flaky. He doesn't commit to anything. If there is a God it better not do this to me.

        It's in moments like these that I feel the most alone. I'm just sitting in the parking lot of my local pharmacy contemplating walking in there to buy a test. THE test. The one unprepared women fear. Two colored lines and your life changes forever. 

It's my own fault. When Renzo got all agro and wanted to claim me I really liked the feel of it. To share that experience of removing the barrier between us...I wanted that. It's no more his fault than mine, but gosh do I feel so alone and frightened right now.

I can't confide in Grace. Not yet. Our friendship is still too new for something this personal and private. Private, as in, she could NOT tell Rocco about it and I wasn't convinced that she wouldn't have, had I decided to share this burden with her. 

        My mother would pray a thousand hail mary's if she knew I was having premarital sex at all. I can't tell Renzo. Nothing sounds more scary or worse than if I actually had to tell Renzo that type of news. I have to know though. I need to walk into this pharmacy and do the pregnancy test walk of shame. 

Not shameful for most, but for me it felt that way. I'm 21 years old. I have no business being a mother, and I know there are other options like termination, but I fear that too. It's not even something I ever thought about. 

With Val everything felt so safe. We were overly cautious. But with Renzo I've always thrown caution to the wind. Shame on me.

        When I got a weird look from a customer leaving the pharmacy I was just idly sitting outside of, I decided just to walk in. Just do it, Kat. Be a doer...though I highly doubt this is what Grace meant by that. Maybe I am doing a little too much. 

Why do they keep a pharmacy desk at the very back of the store? It makes a woman have to walk past the birthday card aisle, the candy section, the warts medicine, and cough syrups. I don't need mascara or blush, but I have to pass that aisle too, all in the name of getting a pregnancy test. 

3 days. Should I have waited another day or two or should I just bite the bullet. Bullet...maybe Renzo would put one of those in me just to end the inconvenience. Oh gosh, Kat, that is dark.

        Boston has been one perpetual learning experience if nothing else. I've just barely scratched the surface of independence, and I doubt I could add the responsibility of a child to the mix without faltering. 

It's hard to be a single parent. I watched the drama unfold when Michael got his ex-girlfriend pregnant. She wanted to keep the child and my brother respected her decision. Mya is the light of our lives now.

        "Hi, how can I help you?" An overly perky young girl came to the counter I had finally reached. I felt myself turn crimson already. "Um, hi, um, I was looking for...uh, a pregnancy test" I barely got out. Her perky demeanor never changed. "Oh, you can get those right on aisle 8 right there" she pointed her long acrylic nail past my shoulder.