Slowburn

Chapter 103

        There was a lot of relief now that this nightmare was over. I hated fearing for my life, and knowing there was someone out there who wanted to kill me solely because I meant something to Renzo. Do I even mean that much to him? Maybe others have misconstrued my presence in his life as something more than the physical experience Renzo wanted from me. 

Either way, it was over. How much of it is over? I don't know and I can tell neither does he.

        When I packed up and left the compound there wasn't much to say between us. It was a pretty quiet ride home. Only once we got to the apartment did I speak up. "Renzo, I don't feel right having you pay for this apartment. I may need a little time, but I am going to start looking for a place."

 "And as for work?" He side eyed me. He wasn't exactly facing me in this conversation. Funny because he hates it if I don't look at him when I speak to him. "Same thing. For now I will need the income, but I can start looking around for something else." 

He nodded and squeezed the wheel, which made my eyes shift to his whitening knuckles.

        "So, I'm assuming this means the deal with the Van Dijks to spare them didn't mean much to your decision" he finally turned to me. He's so hard to read. He can wear such a hard empty expression, but I want to know what's going on inside his head? 

At least when I had a goodbye with Dante it was emotional. For whatever reason this doesn't feel like a goodbye though, and so I'm not emotional and neither is he. He'd never be emotional, but still. We just looked at each other for a moment. 

"It did mean something to me. I'm just not sure where that leaves us. Any of us. I'm not solely targeting you" I was sure to clarify.

        Renzo's jaw clenched and unclenched but he nodded. He turned away in his seat and didn't react much beyond that. When I started to feel the threat of tears I hurried to undo my seat belt and get out of the car, but he quickly added, "I'll give you some space, Kat. But then you'll have to let me know what you decide. I won't wait forever."

I paused, open and shut my mouth. I wanted to ask what 'waiting' for me meant. Does he mean he won't have sex with anyone else until I decide if I want to continue what we had? Does he just mean he's getting bored waiting for me to decide if I hate him or not? I was too chicken to ask what it is that he meant about 'waiting', so I just said a quiet ok and scurried out the door.

        I regret it already. That question is going to plague me. Could he mean...is there any possible way he might have meant that he'd wait for me because this was developing into something more? I just rushed up to my apartment. His apartment. 

I can't believe he's been paying for this place for me to live here. I want to know how much it costs, and I will look it up, but right now my mind is reeling. 

How am I going to stay away from him? When I remind myself that he is a murderer it becomes easy, but when my heart forgets I feel that pang...and a tiny gremlin in my head tells me to just 'run into him' at work or find a reason to text him. To see him. No. I can't.

        Renzo lied to me when I asked the extent of his mobster ways. I started to accept his shady business, but enough is enough. Taking a human life no matter how bad the person...it has to change you. It should change you. 

My mind quickly wandered back to that picture frame in Renzo's old bedroom. He looked so young, happy, and free. So, maybe it has changed him. Hardened him. 

I really am confused and conflicted. I do need the space Renzo is offering me. Just how much space and for how long...who knows? Only one thing is clear. Right now...I need to stay away from Renzo Revello.