A Brand New Day

Chapter 35

Rivers pov
Dad just came in and told me to get dressed and wait for Demi. He said we were going out. I'm too exhausted to try and fight it. So I go upstairs to my room and change. Grab my clothes and go into the bathroom. I take them off and stare at my naked body in the mirror. Did I really want to have to explain my body to my kids one day? Demi said that people said she was going to have to one day... Am I just like her? I turn on the water so dad won't hear me cry. But I breakdown as i stare at what I've done to my body. It's littered with scars, light scratches to raised tissue from when I've gone deep. It's disgusting and I hate it. I stare at myself, "stop this." I whisper in myself, "all of your problems are not as permanent as these scars. You've got to be better." I say to myself. I nod to myself as if I'm making some sort of a promise. Then I look down at my ring, "everything will be alright in two weeks. You can get better in two weeks." I shake myself from my self loathing and get in the shower. Then I get out and get dressed in leggings and one of Corbin's hoodies. "Daddy!" I shout out of the bathroom.
"Shut up!" Meadow screams back.
I bite my tongue as I listen to dad come to my room. I wait for him by the door. As he enters I drag him to the bathroom door in my room, "I'm not going to explain my body to my kids like Demi did. Ever. But I need you to watch me give you these so that..." I stop and take a breathe, "so that you know where my hiding spots are."
"Okay." He says confused. I open the drawer with my toothbrush and other bathroom essentials and pull out a razor and hand it to him, "oh." He says. Then I climb on the counter and unscrew a light covering and hand him another. I give the one on top of the mirror, the one inside the back of the toilet, the one under the shampoo bottle, the one wedges in the crack of the wall of the bathtub facet, the one inside my makeup back, the one hidden under the sink. "Riv." He said as his hand gets full. I cry silently but continue, then I go through my room as he follows me from vanity, to the mattress, to my closet, and lastly my dresser. Then I look at him. "Done?"
"Please , don't be mad." I whisper.
"I'm not." He says quietly.
"Riv! I'm getting a jacket, grab one then we're going!" Demi shouts.
"Go with mom." I nod and turn to leave. "River, can I—" then he just grabs me and pulls me into him. I struggle to get away from him, but truthfully I need to be held, but I don't want it. I begin to sob as he holds my struggle if body, "I know. I just want to tell you: you are strong, you are beautiful and I love you. I'm going to hold you for five more seconds." I relax a little, "one. I love you. 2, I love you. 3, I love you. 4, I love you. 5, I love you."
I take a deep breath, "that was 10 seconds." I sigh pulling away from him.
He chuckles, "I was hoping you wouldn't notice." He says as he wipes my face with his thumbs and I flinch and my face gets hot with embarrassment.
"I did." I whisper, "I love you too."
"River, let's go." Demi says coming to my room. "Nick, what's in your hand?" She asks.
"We'll talk about it later." He says.
Demi nods and tries to smile but she's so exhausted that she can't even fake it. "Okay. We'll be home later." She says.
I follow her to the car. And buckle my seat belt, "you want me to drive or take you somewhere?" She asks.
I don't say anything so she puts on Adele's first album loudly and drives. After 20 minutes I turn off the stereo, "will you take me to my parents?"
"There house?"
"No, there graves."
"Teal, where are they buried?"
"Clear water cemetery." She hums a response and turns the radio back up. Which I really appreciate because I'm too tired to try and fill the silence.
Moments later, she parks the car. Then she sits there quietly. So I take my seat belt off and get out of the car and walk to my parents headstone. "Hi mommy. Hi, daddy." I whisper. Demi stands there next to me silently. After a few minutes I begin to cry as I speak, "Why? Why did you leave me?" I ask. "Everything would be fine, if you didn't leave me. How come you got to leave and I got stuck here by myself to deal with everything by myself." I whisper.
"What happened?" Demi whispers.
"They were taking me to Paige's house so they could go on a date. And a car hit us head on and they died. They just left me here all alone. To deal by myself with Sam, Drake, Meredith and everyone else. Just fucking left." I snap stomping my foot.

Demi's POV

I watch her as she gets frustrated with her parents and I'm trying to just let her get it out. But it's hard because she's admitting that she's lonely and that breaks my heart. I sigh, "you're never going to have to deal with anything alone ever again." I whisper.
"I have no one. I had Corrbin but I'm so fucked up that he doesn't want anything to do with me anymore."
"Is that what he said?" I ask.
Too my surprise she leans in to me. I lightly lay my hand on her back, "he said to that everything I did to you, and Sam's letter freaked him out. That I needed to get better. He's mad at me for drinking. He's scared of me. He was the only reason I wanted to keep going and he said that's not fair." She cries.
"Baby." I whisper, "tell your parents what's going on."
She nods and turns back to the headstones and takes a seat. In the grass and pats the grass next to her. I sit down and she grabs my hand clinging to it tightly. 'She wears her heart on her sleeve. She'll be okay.' I think to myself.
"Tell them. How you have been doing... although you've had a lot of bad experiences, you have accomplished a lot that I'm sure they want to hear about and be proud of." I say. She just stares ahead. After 20 minutes I can't stand the silence anymore. "Jennifer and Michael, you're daughter is amazing. She's strong, beautiful, patient, caring, responsible. You only had four years with her but you really worked wonders. She kept dancing. She's a beautiful, effortless dancer. That's when she really shines. She is so smart, she's got A's in science and social studies. She's got a B in math, which if you didn't know she has dysgraphia which means she has to work ten times harder to earn that grade. She also has a C in English but I'm not worried because she has been applying herself so hard through her dyslexia and adhd to get the grade and she just told me it will be a B in a couple of weeks. She's so determined. She's compassionate and helpful. You know she's a hero." She looks at me. So I keep talking, "she saves lives. You see my sister tried to commit just a few days ago and if River wasn't there..." I choke up a little and she leaves her head on my shoulder, "I know Maddie would be dead. You saved her life. And she took in meadow, she was just a kid taking care of a baby. She made sure that nothing happened to meadow. She made sure she had food, clothes, and made sure she was safe. She so protective. So in order to protect the people she loves she gets hurt. People hurt your child Jennifer and Michael, but has that broken her? Not yet. I just hope that you both continue to give her strength to not give up. You let got of your baby to provide me with this amazing blessing of being her momma. I just hope I don't fuck it up."
She giggle, "they don't like cussing." She whispers.
"Oh. Shit. Oh." I look at her, "I'm sorry Jennifer and Michael. I just hope you are as proud of her as I am."
"Mommy and daddy, I love you so much. I wish you were here. But, through all this shit." I chuckle, "I have found people who love me. And I don't want you to be mad." She begins to sob, "but I love them. I really need people to be my mom and dad. Because it's so hard to do it by myself. I just don't want you to be mad at me because I've replaced—"
I put my fingers under her chin so she looks at me, "No. Nick and I. We will never replace them. We are just an addition to your life. They will always be your parents no matter what. We will also be your parents." She nods.
I let her crawl into me. She cries and I don't know what to do next. 'Let the silence do the talking.'
I hate silence so I hum 'Warrior' as she cries. Eventually, she stops crying and I pull her into my lap testing her boundaries. And she puts her thumb in her mouth as I cradle her. I gently pull it out. "Mom." She whispers.
"Yes baby."
"I'm really sorry, I pulled a blade on you. I didn't know what I was doing." She whispers. I look at her and listen as she talks. "I won't ever do it again. I would never do anything to hurt you. I'm so sorry." I can feel her heart rate picking up.
"Hey, I forgive you. I'm sorry I grabbed you like that. Things got out of control. I  wanted to scare you but not like scare you... you know what I mean?"
She nods. "Um... um... I — I — don't even remember pulling the razor. I just remember you calling me —" she gags.
"It's not your fault. I triggered you. It was a defense's mechanism. I understand that." She nods, "that's going to happen from time to time. We're going to untentionally, trigger each other, especially with the therapy that we are going through. But we will be okay. River." She looks up at me, "I will do my best to never feeling like this again, we are going to fix this feeling and I will not ever be the cause of you feeling so alone again. I will do my best to be the best mom ever. I am so sorry. I love you." I tell her kissing the top of her head.
"I love you even when I don't want to. And that really sucks sometimes." She whispers.
I just hold her until I can tell she's going to fall asleep. "Let's go get some snacks and go home."
"Okay."