A Brand New Day

Chapter 30

Demi's pov
I can't do this. I'm not meant to be a mom. I have no control. I'm losing everything I thought I had last week. But Nick asked me to try and I don't know what else to do but try. How can I possibly try and be the best mom I can be if I can't be the person my kids need me to be. I have to try today but I need time for me. Alone.
As I think the door bell rings. I'm disgusting. But I get up as Nick comes down stairs. I open the door, "hi, I'm Demi."
"Hi, I'm Cassandra. I lead her to the dinning room as Nick and meadow follow. "So I hear we are in a bit of a family crisis, is this everyone?"
"No, let me go get River." Nick says.
Meadow and I sit down as he leaves, "can I get you something to drink?" I ask already exhausted.
"Sure a water would be great." I nod and go into the kitchen grabbing a water bottle for everyone. "So, what's your name?"
"Meadow." She whispers.
"How old are you?"
"Ten."
"Do you know why I'm here?"
"Um..." I come back in and hand Cassandra a bottle of water. Meadow plays with her hands as I take my seat.
"Meadow, answer her, be honest. Why do you think she's here?"
"Um..."
Before she can continue River screams, "dad! Why! So she can tell me I'm crazy." Nick must respond and she screams again, "No!"
That's when he raises her voice, "damn it, I don't care if you don't say a word, but you are coming downstairs, NOW!"
"I hate you." River screams again. "Good." Nick groans. But I can hear her stomping down the steps.
"Because we hate each other." My face gets hot, it's embarrassing to think that we all have been so pent up that we don't know how to communicate, that this is how we speak to each other.
"Meadow, we don't hate each other. I don't hate you." I say but I don't tell her that I hate myself.
"Hold on to that. I want to introduce myself to everyone and explain what today is going to look like." Cassandra explains.
I nod. Nick comes in clearly flustered and embarrassed. I grab his hand and squeeze tightly. "Okay, so hi. I'm Cassandra." She says as River enters the room glaring at us from the corner. "I'm here to listen mostly, I'm going to sprinkle in some advice and provide you all with some communication and coping tools. So I've met Meadow. She has shared with me why, she thinks I'm here. Nick and I spoke on the phone, so I know why he wants me here. Lastly, I need to hear why Demi and River, think I'm here. So River, do you want to sit down?" River looks at her and raises an eyebrow, "okay."
"River—" Nick starts to say.
"Hey, it's okay. She can stand over there. It's where she feels comfortable at this moment." Cassandra says to Nick, "River why do you think I'm here?"
River stares through her. "River... why do you think she's here?" I ask after what feels like years. I give her a few minutes. "Um, I think that we need you to help us like you said communicate and cope with somethings that are going on."
"Okay, so before we start to dive in I would like you all to try and come up with some ground rules. As you know I am leaving and I would hate to leave you all here feeling worse than when I came. I'm going to give you all a few minutes to think about what needs to happen when we meet and what needs to happen when I leave."
We all sit still with thick tension around us. "So..." Cassandra says taking out a piece of paper and a pen. "Thoughts."
"No screaming." Meadow says quietly glancing at River.
"Okay, I agree." Cassandra says writing it down.
"I think we all need to take a few minutes to process before we respond to anything. I don't know how to make that work, but I know I tend to jump to a response without truly listening to what was said." Nick says.
I nod. My body feels like I'm dying, I want to leave. Nick squeezes my hand, grounding me to my place in this family. "Be honest. Complete and raw truth." He says looking at me.
I take a deep breath, "breathe." I mumble.
"Uh?" Cassandra asks.
"Um, I said breathe. Before you respond take a breath."
"Good. River? Do you have any rules you want to add?"
"No." She whispers.
"Okay lastly, the last rule I have for all my families. No one can get in trouble for being vulnerable and honest during this time. So mom and dad, no matter what we learn, no matter what they say, they cannot be punished for that."
"Okay." Nick and I agree.
"So, from what I understand, this all became an issue on tour in New York, what happened?"
We all stare at each other. "It started before that." River whispers.
"Okay, so when did it start?" Cassandra asks her.
"After the last court date." She says.
Immediately I know where this is going. "What happened?"
"Mom changed."
"I—"
"Demi, breathe... let her talk." I nod. I feel like I'm eighteen all over again.
"Continue River."
"She changed. One minute, I'm so brave and then Meadow breaks her arm and I'm irresponsible and selfish."
"Okay. Take that in for a second, Demi, what is she talking about."
I breathe, "pre-tour Demi." I mumble.
"What does Pre-tour Demi look like?"
River mumbles, "a bitch."
"No." Cassandra says sternly, "see you can pissed River. But what we are not going to do is call people names. So try that again."
River freezes and looks at her in disbelief. Then turns to Nick, "you're gonna let her talk to me like that?" She snaps.
"What do you mean?" Nick asks. "She's setting boundaries."
"Are you kidding me!" River screams. Meadow flinches.
"Okay, so now that you have broken a rule, we have to reset. I understand you're upset but screaming is not effectively communicating. So, what happens in this situation is you take 5 minutes to yourself. Demi, where can she sit safely alone?"
"You're putting me in a fucking time out?" River chuckles in awe.
"Sure, if that's what you want to call it. Demi." Immediately I'm overwhelmed, embarrassed and tired and I'm over all this.
"The living room I guess." I say.
"River, go relax for five minutes."
"Fuck, no. I'm staying in here, I'm not going into a room so you all can discuss how crazy you think I am. No. I don't know you."
I begin to cry, "River, please. I promise. We will not talk about you."
"You promise?" She laughs, "just like you promised that you would be at my meet?"
"River, now!" Nick says sternly. "That's my wife you are talking to. Not okay, go. Five minutes."
She groans and stomps away.
I start to cry even hard. "Demi, what does pre tour Demi look like?" I just sit there ashamed. "Breathe."
I nod, "a selfish, horrible, mean, egotistical person."
Nick opens his mouth but she stops him, "let her speak."
"I was so excited when I brought River here. I was so excited to be a mom. I made promises that I couldn't keep and now I've squashed all the trust I have built up." I sob, "she asked me to be there for her. I let her down. I thought she's overcome all of these horrific things she'll be fine taking care of her sister. So I started to apply the pressure."
"Demi, breathe."
I nod and count to ten, "so I stopped being a mom and became the superstar I've always been. So I put all the mom duties on her and I just left her with the burden. I'm ashamed and it all started almost a month ago and I was too selfish to notice it."
"So you're saying this is all your fault?" Cassandra asks.
I sigh, "yes."
"Really? Last I checked this is a relationship, a family is a team. Demi did you make all of the decisions on your own?" Nick asks me. I look at him. I shake my head, "No, so how can this all be your fault?"
"It's not your fault mommy." Meadow pipes up, "we didn't know that this all was going to happen."
Cassandra turns to meadow, as she cuddles into me, "Nick, will you have River rejoin us please."
Nick nods and leaves, I pull meadow into my lap, "do you mind if we go into the living room actually? It's just a little more comfortable than the dinning room." I suggest.
"Sure that's fine."