A Brand New Day

Chapter 32

Demi's pov
As soon as she closes the door I break down. I sob I mean the type Of sob that makes you lose your legs. Cassandra watches me for a minute.
"Good." She whispers.
I freeze, "what?" I hiccup.
"You showed amazing control, considering you want to leave." She says to me.
I look at her. Is she reading my mind or is it really that obvious, "I want to go, I don't want to do this."
"Lower your voice." Cassandra says sternly.
I lower my voice, "this is selfish and I know but I don't want this shit. I don't want to hear this. I don't want to know. I want to take my baby and leave." I sob.
"I know. Are you really going to abandon two girls that claim you as well their mom? Are you going to leave them the moment shit gets hard. Are you really that selfish?" Cassandra asks me.
"I didn't say I was going to leave, I want to leave. I'm not going to go. Every fiber in my body wants to run away. I want to leave and never look back. But I can't because I fucking love them." I start to lose control, "I love them. They're my daughters. I will never leave them even when they hate me. Even when I've added to their trauma. I know I've fucked up, but I want this baby to have them as big sisters because they're  beautiful and strong. But I'm not strong enough to listen to this shit. I'm not strong enough to deal with this." I scream at the top of my lungs.
"You saying all of that tells me you are. You have two minutes to scream, I mean truly get it all out because here's the deal, we're just getting started. Meadow has triggered something in River that is going to be loud. You have to be ready to cry silently and be able to listen to what she's going to say. But at the same time you already know what happened to her, but Meadow has no clue. You have to get strong for her. Can I leave you to scream by yourself in a pillow?"
"Please." I say as I turn away. I wait until she closes the door to bury my head in the pillow and scream all the air out of my lungs.
It doesn't take long for all the air to leave me. I hear the alarm ring through the house. I splash some cold water on my face and go to Meadow as I know theirs no way that Nick left River. I go into her room and hold my hand out to her. "I'm sorry mommy." She says as we walk downstairs.
"You have nothing to sorry for." I say quietly as I squeeze her hand. We sit down on the couch. Nick walks in carrying River as I wrap Meadow and I in a blanket.
"Okay, I want to finish this memory. River? What do you remember from that day?"
"I don't want to do this." She sobs. "I don't want to do this."
"River, how can help you if you don't tell us anything." Nick whispers to her.
"I don't want to do this." she sobs.
I can feel meadow getting irritated. "River, just tell us." Meadow sighs.
"River looks like she's gonna throw up. Nick hold her hand but looks at me, and nods, "what do you need?" I ask.
"I don't want to do this. I need my mom and my dad! I need to go." She starts to stand.
I begin to cry silently, I look at Cassandra and I mouth, 'what do I do?'
She whispers, "tell her."
"River, look at me." I wait and she refuses so I continue, "I want to leave too. Oh, god, I want to leave right now. I want to run away. But I can't because I love you and I know you have things that you don't want me to know but—" I sigh and wipe my face. I stand and walk over to her and get on her level, "I love you. You need me. I will not leave you, no matter what you tell me, I will not leave you."
"Demi, I don't want to do this." She whispers again.
"I know. But it's going to help all of us understand how to help you." I gently lift her head so she can look me in the eyes. "I'm not going anywhere. Tell us what happened."
"You're gonna hate me." She whines.
"No, never, I love you. Tell me what happened."
"It was— it was Drake. He took me home, he wasn't supposed to stay." She sobs, "but he said he knew how to get what he wanted and he wanted meadow. And I thought Meredith would never let anyone hurt us in her own house. So I wasn't worried, I just kept my eyes on him. But then she passed out." I cry as she sobs and tries to continue.
"It's okay. You're safe." I whisper as she sobs.
"Close your eyes, riv." Meadow calls out.
"So I'm sitting there." She breaths, and closes her eyes, "so I'm sitting there watching meadow play as Drake feeds Meredith these pills and they smoke and drink. And then Meredith passes out. The ducking bitch just falls asleep. And he looks at me and says, 'I told you, I know how to get what I want.' Then he stood up and pulled meadow into his lap. And he started like petting her lap. She— meadow— she just froze. And he kept saying he was going to teach her a game. So I watched for a second and she like melt and she was started to get excited about the "game" that's when I grabbed her and pulled her to the bathroom." River opens her eye for a second and the closes them again.
"You can do this." I whisper. As I pull her into my lap, "you did nothing wrong, tell me what you remember."
"So he freaks out and starts screaming and banging on the door so I tell meadow hide and he burst in and she ran way. He was so mad." River sobs, "he picked me up snd threw me across the room screaming at me. I saw Meredith open her eyes and I thought thank god she's going to help me. But she just sat there while he threw me around and the. He was kicking me. And she just sat there— he— he—" she shakes her head, "he would stop and scream and search for Meadow, but she wouldn't come out. Finally he stopped beating me—" she stops completely and stares again.
"Demi, you have to bring her back, she's disassociating."
"I don't know how." I panic, "what do I do?" I ask sobbing.
"Okay, when this happens, you need to speak with her. Remind her she's not in that moment. You have to ground her. Start with breathing. Talk her through it."
"Like her panic attacks we count, should I do that?"
"Yes, but she can't or won't be able to contribute. Do what you do for panic attacks and I'll coach you though the rest."
I nod. I take River's hand and place it on my stomach, "okay baby, it's mommy, you feel my breathing, try and match it." I lay her head against my chest so she can hear my heart beat, which is beating fast. "Okay, you're okay. You're safe with mommy, daddy, and meadow. It's okay. Okay let's count when you come back to me count with me." I look at Cassandra as she nods, "one, two, three, four. Come on baby count with me. You're okay. You're safe. Five."
I hold her and rock until I hear her say, "97." She breathes.
"Good, River I know—"
"That's enough, for today. Right?" Nick speaks up.
"The only way for this to work is to finish one memory from all perspectives available. I know this is difficult to witness and be apart of. But we need to finish this memory in its entirety." Nick sighs.
I take the lead, "River, let's finish the memory, he was beating you and he stopped then what?"
"I don't want to." She says softly as she sticks her thumb in her mouth. I look at Nick and he's just as confused as I am.
"What happened?"
"He smiled," she sighs, "and he said, 'since she can't play you can. Take your clothes off.' And I laid there. That's when the true Meredith started showing. She stood up and yanked me up by my hair. And she said, 'you listen to him, you're I'll go get meadow and make you watch as they play.' So I took my clothes off. And she laughed. She said, 'Jesus, I need to stop feeding you, you're fat.' Then he picked me up and started—"
"Okay, after that?" Cassandra asks.
I want to throw up, but I'm not prepared. For the next part, "they tied me to a chair naked." She shakes, "then Meredith went to the kitchen and she grabbed a bag of those powdered donuts. And she says, 'fatty you have two choices, chew it choke.' So I chewed. She shoved donut after donut and she just kept giggling with drake as he sat on the couch laughing at me. Then I couldn't anymore chew anymore and my eyes got heavy and I started to gag. She stopped and she went and fed drake a couple of donuts and I gagged again. She said, 'you better not puke on my floor or you'll eat it' so I just tried to focus on my breathing, and drake said, 'watch mommy and I play. If I see you close your eyes or look away. I'll go get your sister play with her and then kill you in front of her.' So I watched. I'm—" she gags. I look at Nick who has already taken off to get a bag.
"Daddy's going to get you a trash bag, you're safe. It's over, right?" Please, be the end. I can't deal or hear anymore. She gags again as Nick hands me the bag. I give it to her and she throws up immediately. "Okay. We're done, we've finished the memory." I sigh, feeling nauseous myself.
"Yes, so I will be back on Monday. However, do not discuss this any further unless she initiates it. But you need to monitor her. I have journals for all of you." Cassandra says handing them to us.
"So your homework is to write down all of your questions you have for me as your therapist, and some questions you want to ask one another. On Monday, I would like to speak one on one with each of you." River gags again but she continues. "Before I go, how is everyone feeling about today?"
"Exhausted." River, Nick and I mumble as Meadow says, "tired." Through a yawn.
Cassandra chuckles, "good, that means we did our jobs. So tomorrow relax. And I will see you on Monday." She says standing to leave.
"Um, can you just wait one second, Nick can I talk to you in the kitchen." He nods.
He follows me to the kitchen, "what's the plan for tonight?"
"Um, I—I don't know."
I look down ashamed to admit it, "I can't be alone tonight." I whisper.
"Yeah. Okay... ugh, so theater?"
"Sure, sounds like a good idea."
"Okay let's get our girls down there, I'll order some soup and we'll relax. Thank you for being honest Demi I love you."
"I love you to."
We go back to living room, "thank you again Cassandra, we'll see you on Monday."
Nick walks her out as I watch River dies off and meadow writes her something in her journal. Nick comes back and he takes River down to the theater and goes to find the blow up mattress as we wait for dinner and Meadow picks a movie.

Authors note:
I know I haven't written in long time. I have been somewhat  unmotivated and having a hard time writing. But I am trying to keep some creativity alive in me. So I'm back, any feedback or ideas are greatly appreciated.

Stay gold👌