My Fierce Fragile Heart

Chapter 1 . SECRECY

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CHAPTER 1. SECRECY

Jaiyanna Evie Lenna Suarez (Jai) POV

It all started from a simple pain. The little pain that turned into a traumatizing tragedy. A torment that changed my life.

I never lied to the most important person in my life , but from that moment I did. Ne'er thought I can be as pretentious who can pull an act and deceive everyone around me.

I did fake my words and my feelings because I had to. I was sixteen when I learned that I am no longer as normal as I was , I became frail and vulnerable.

**

I unconsciously hugged my pillow as I felt a growing pain in my chest. Unfortunately, I know this is just another night dealing with this aching heart . I tried to calm myself and slowly close my eyes, but my chest just gets more painful , a huge burden on my desire to rest.

Paulit ulit , pilit na kinukumbinsi ang sarili na kaya kong itulog na lamang ang sakit pero hindi . Naging mas mahigpit ang pagyakap ko sa unan kasabay ng pagpatak ng mga luhang kanina pa nag aambang magpakawala.

Bawat gabing binibisita ako nito na tila ba pinapaalala ang trahedyang kailangan kong kaharapin, ay mas nagiging tahimik narin na paghikbi na ang nagagawa ko . Tahimik ngunit mas naging malalim ang sugat at takot ang naibaon.
Hindi na to bago , taon ko nang pilit iniinda .

Pagkatapos ng mahigit isang oras na pakikibaka sa sakit ay muli kong naramdaman ang pagiging kalmado ng dibdib ko , bagaman ramdam ko parin ang panghihina ng katawan ko ay dahan dahan kong iginalaw ang sarili para tumayo .

I pulled back myself thinking about tomorrow.I was reminded of the need to look great infront of that person, I need to be okay atleast infront of her.

Even in the middle of the night I had this sensation of being obliged to stand up and fix myself after surpassing a ripping out chest and unstable body strength .

Emptily , I stared at myself infront of the mirror, unfix hair, pale lips and tired eyes , an appearance that you can clearly consider a weak person . I pitied my lifeless face for a minute , releasing a deep sigh after then finally got the urge to put the remaining powder into it, a way of getting rid and to hide my freaking swollen eyes ,bite my lower and upper lips to reduce the paleness and comb my hair who's in worst state followed by multiple inhaling and exhaling.

" Maayos kana ulit, maganda, masigla at matapang . You're the strong Jaiyanna Evie Lenna Suarez , may konting bahid kapa ng kaswertehan dahil buhay kapa , may bukas ka ulit na masisilayan. Bumangon ka na para bang walang nangyari , nginitian mo sya na para bang wala kang sakit na iniinda . Ngiti Jaiyana . You have a fierce heart and a brave soul "
Saad ko sa aking sarili na tila ba nahihibang na ngunit batid kong kailanman ay hindi kahibangan ang tawag sa pagdamay sa sarili .
Hanggat kaya kong iangat ang sarili ko gagawin at gagawin ko para sa taong pinakamamahal ko.

Dahan dahan ay muli kong inihilid ang sarili ko sa kama , Matutulog na lamang kaysa muling mag isip pa .

* * *

I woke up from the caress of a warm palm, the most familiar warmness . She's wearing the prettiest smile that on my awareness, it's solely exclusive for me . At slowest pace I move myself , lending her my eyes , taking a glance on her angelic face , my mother's lovely face . I smiled back at her.

In the middle of adoring her beauty ,a sudden flashback of what happened last night occupied my head , making my heart clenched a bit from disappointment and fear, yet once again I immediately showed my pleasing expression and hugged her tight. I can feel my eyes getting blurry .

Kailangan kong pigilan ang namumuong luha sa mata ko , yes I did hold once more . Pilit kong ikinalma ang sarili dahil nasa harap ko ang tanging taong dahilan kung bakit ako lumalaban . Taong sya ring dahilan ng lahat ng kasinungalinan ko at pagpapanggap.

My rule to myself is to never show my tears to her because if I did I'll end up revealing everything , that'll totally devastate our lives.
So holding back and pulling back is no longer new to me.

Pretending.I mastered it well.

That's how I lived my life infront of my own mother since that day .

* *

" Jaiyanna, Jai sor-. " I stare in confusion at my best friends' mother , a doctor. who's now stuttering and crying infront of me.

" Jai , I'm sorry" watching her stutter and cry drives me crazy.
I don't want to assume.

Hindi...

" Jai may sakit ka sa puso" she said in between sobs

my tears began falling . I couldn't feel any strength in my knees 'causing me lose my balance and stumble.

Her statement completely weakened my body.

I can't process what I just heard .

There's no way !

" Tita no, no . Please tell me that's not true . Please" I begged her ,desperately , trying to convince myself that I heard a wrong thing .

With tears still streaming on her face she wrapped me in her arms . Her hug even made me  cry .

I'm afraid .

" I'll help you overcome it Jai, just be strong" still unable to speak well,she tried assuring me .

I know half of her cry is because of different reason, she probably remembered how her child died in the same disease.

" I'll help you jai , I promised . You won't end up like my daughter " we both shed tears after those words, thinking about the possibilities ahead , and remembering her child who died because of heart complications.

That confirmation ruined my peaceful life.

Coronary artery disease (CAD)

I cried for an hour , I am thinking too much about how to keep it from mom , what kind of life awaits me and all the negative things that could happen to me.

As soon as I calmed down little, she tried convincing me to tell it right away to mom, but I refuse to . I even begged her to keep it ourselves . To do some treatments without telling my mother.

Simula nang kumpirmasyong iyon ay.  naging mabigat na ang mga araw para sa akin , kung hindi ko tinatatagan ay baka matagal na akong nabaliw sa pag iisip .

Masakit para sa akin ang lahat , lalo na ang ginagawa kong paglilihim .

I just don't want to break her heart.

Can you blame me for chosing to suffer alone and for keeping everything when I am just afraid to witness her having a hard time accepting my situation?

Bet you'll do the same. Even if it means being selfish.
* *