traitor reader x reiner

silent apologies

The first thing that greeted you was the burning pain in your side as you awoke. Your eyelids were heavy and resistant as you opened them. You were sharing a dimly lit room with at least a dozen other people, who all seemed to be either asleep or unable to move. 'What happened' you thought as your mind ran through the events that led you here. Colossal titan, your squad, the titans... then what. You thought as hard as you could, but nothing after your squad getting eaten came to you. 'Then how did I get hurt?'
"I'm just going to check on them." Your thought was interrupted by the door squeaking open, and light flooding into the room. "Two seconds, I swear." Reiner held the door open, talking to someone just outside. You hear them mumble something back, "Jeez Bert, have you no compassion-" Reiner stopped as he turned to see you. He went silent for a minute. "..y/n" "Hey" you say in a raspy voice. It felt as though you hadn't talked in years. You could use some water. Rushing over to your bedside, he fell to his knees, burying his face in his hands. "I'm so sorry y/n, I should have saved you. I could have saved you, but I didn't. I'm sorry. You could've died and it would have been all my fault. I-" "What?" You said, not sure what he was talking about. He paused and looked up at you. "What do you mean, you could have saved me? I don't understand." "You.. You don't remember?" He asked, you thought for a minute, "no, what happened?"
He gave you the rundown. Apparently you had come to the group injured but insisted on going with them. You got caught by a titan and he and Bertolt hesitated out of fear. Marco saved you.
"Where's Marco now?" You asked. Reiner paused. "He uh, Marco didn't make it." He said looking down at his hands. "What, how." you asked, the realization setting into you. He was always so nice, and you'll never get to thank him. "I.. We don't know." Reiner said hesitantly, almost as if he was holding something back. Like he wanted to tell you, it was on the tip of his tongue. He just didn't. You took a moment. "Well, how are the others? How long have I been out?" "There were a few close calls, some injuries, but most everyone made it. Just your squad and Eren's squad." Eren's squad? "Wait, Armin, Eren? Are they?!" You weren't necessarily friends with them, but just the thought of them being gone sent a rush of panic over you. "No, no. They're fine. Just the others. Speaking of Eren-" "Hey Reiner, it's starting." Connie said, popping his head in. "Y/N YOU'RE AWAKE!?" He said, rushing over to you and Reiner. "Jeez, we thought you might never wake up," he nervously laughed. "I mean, 3 days is a pretty long time to be out for" '3 days?' You thought to yourself, wow.
"HEY GUYS, Y/N'S AWAKE," Connie yelled outside the door. You hear a few gasps and footsteps, then a group of people came to peek inside. Sasha was the first one to run in, giving you a big hug. "Ouch" you wince as her weight falls onto you. "Oh, sorry!" she immediately gets up. "I'm just so excited, honestly we thought you were a goner." "Yeah, it wasn't looking good," Armin says, making his way over. "Good to see you alive, l/n" Jean says, placing his hand on yours. The others crowded around you, saying their greetings. "Come along. There are people sleeping in here. We can't be making a ruckus." A nurse says, shooing them all away. You smile, knowing they all cared about you. It felt nice. Even though you had never been particularly close to any of them, they still felt like a family. Though there was one missing face. "Where's Bertolt?" you say to Reiner, who was the only one left. "He's.." Reiner hesitated, thinking for a second. "He's probably at the fire." "Fire?" "They're holding a funeral type thing, burning all the lost soldiers' bodies." "Oh, well then, what are we waiting for? Let's go." you said, pushing yourself upwards. It hurt, but it was bearable. "What? No, you shouldn't move." "It's fine, Reiner." You stood up slowly, testing yourself, but as soon as you got up, you went right back down, falling back onto the bed. "Shit," you muttered to yourself before preparing yourself to stand again. "Y/n, you can't go." "Yes I can." you say, getting frustrated. You lifted yourself off the bed again, wobbling on your feet. "Hold on." Reiner said, steading you and standing up. He bent down and hooked one arm under your knees and the other around your back, slowly lifting you up. "Does this hurt?" "Not anymore than it did before," you let out a small chuckle.
Reiner carried you out of the cadets' hospital building and to the training grounds that had been set up with benches and a large bonfire in the middle. It looked as though it had been going on for a while. Your comrades were standing around it, some laughing, some crying, some just talking. Reiner took you to a bench right in front of the fire and set you down in a sitting position,Lowering himself next to you. You both just watched the fire for a bit. You said your silent goodbyes. To Marco, to your squamates, to all the soldiers who had died. You were not sad, more just melancholy.
You sat for a long time, just watching the fire in your own little world. Before you knew it, you and Reiner were the only ones left. You heard a faint sniffle from him, turning you saw him staring into the fire, deep in thought. A single tear rolled down his cheek. In an attempt to comfort him, you slid your hand over his. His head swung around in shock as he pulled his hand away. He looked almost fearful. This, in turn, startled you and you leaned back a bit. There was a pause, and he looked down into his lap.
"It's my fault y/n." He said, voice shaky, still looking down. "What do you mean?" there was a pause. Then his entire stature changed, as if he were a different person. "I.. I don't know," he said, wiping the tear from his face. He always seemed as if he was holding something back. Even before, it had always gnawed at you. He got up to leave, but you grabbed him by the cuff of his sleeve. "Reiner, you know." You thought of how to word what you wanted to say, "You know, you can tell me anything right?" He looked down at you, wearing an expression you had never seen on him before. Almost angry. In all honesty, it was frightening. "No, I can't y/n." He said before pulling his arm away and walking off.
You sat there alone after he left. Before this moment, Nothing that had happened really hit you, but Reiner had opened the floodgates of emotion. The tears wash over you, placing an unbearable lump in your throat. It wasn't just Reiner. Reiner wasn't even the primary cause of your tears. He had just set them off, and now they were uncontrollable.