Yours Truly ❁ n.k.h

• chapter thirty four •

Thankfully, our festivities were nowhere near over. This time, it just happened to be in uncharted territory.

The Hansen house.

Malika held an annual barbecue whenever the weather was even halfway decent and this was no different. A mere seventy degrees felt like summer to any New Yorker bold enough to brace the winter. Best believe, we all took the chance for a nice barbecue in a partly cloudy polluted sky.

It was like a madhouse. Pans of food, drunk family members dancing, and kids running around at the speed of light. It was chaotically endearing. And nothing made the unpredictability worse than the appearances of three people that made my blood pressure high; Regina, my mom, and my grandmother.

Regina, I already knew was going to be there. But my mom and my grandma, I should've known better than to expect them to not be. They grew close with Dinah's family once they realized there was no chance in hell I was backing down from dating her. And it went the way it typically goes with black families. They start off really unsure and whispering amongst themselves, but once they fuck with you, you have someone in your corner for life. It was nice to know that here it was no different.

Things were a little tense and I tried not to let it bother me. My grandmother walked past me without even a glance. Each time it happened, I felt my soul drop to my ass. But I know it's what I deserve. I can't expect everyone to forgive the decisions I made, no matter my intention.

Xochitl, Ricky, Dinah, and Angel being at my side made me feel better though. Xochitl and I were sharing beers and laughing at one of my wife's uncles. Ricky was enticing the kids game of tag and honestly fitting right in height wise. And Dinah was helping her mom serve food.

As time wore on, I kept an eye on my mom. She looked healthy. Gold rings on her fingers, acrylics, hair silk pressed. I could even see one of her silver tooth crowns glistening when she laughed. It hurt not to reach out and hug her or even tell her hi. It hurt that I couldn't just go over to my grandma and fall into her; have her reprimand me, something. But I was grown, and I knew better. They taught me better.

My best friend seemed to pick up on my sentimentality. Xochitl brought over a plate of my favorite (and some proper faikakai topai) which upped my mood. Then Angel pulled me towards the group of kids to do the huge bubble wand which was a learning experience for all of us involved honestly.

A pit of laughter was rumbling up from my stomach when my mom caught me off guard. It was like the surprise of hearing god's voice for the first time.

"Normani." She said calmly, tapping my shoulder.

I looked up from the bubble wand in my hand. I felt almost frozen in place. My mouth still knew how to move though, thank god.

My voice was faint. "Hi, ma."

All of the kids surrounding me began tugging on my shoulder for my attention. I turned with a grin, stopping to instruct one of Dinah's nieces and Angel on how to do it. When they were satisfied enough trying to make it work on their own, I looked back over at my mom. She was watching me contemplatively with a small smile. I straightened my back and gestured towards a couple of chairs away from all the chaos. One of my wife's uncles left to go get another beer so it was empty at the moment.

"Can we talk?"

My mom wrapped her arms around her shawl and nodded in agreement. Together, we walked over and eased into the chairs.

The first minute or so was a little awkward. I didn't know where to begin and I'm not sure she did either. I knew what I wanted to say. It was just hard to push the words past my own lips. I felt like the same anxious woman from a few months prior.

"I was so scared." I finally admitted in a whisper. The tears that I knew would surface pricked the back of my eyes. "I didn't know what to do with myself, ma. All I kept thinking was it's my fault. I could've killed her. I almost killed her."

I looked up at the sky. Clouds were rushing past us and away as if even they were ashamed of me. I willed my tears back, wiping at the corners of my eyes before they could spill.

"I don't even know how to describe to you, how much that night hurt. I felt — I felt like I was floating out of my body after a while. Like maybe if I just detached my feelings and looked at it from a bird's eye view, I could stop all the thoughts in my head. But it just... it wouldn't. And there was so much noise and screaming and movement. I can't even sit in a car that's in a street with two lanes now. Or whenever I'm in an Uber and it pulls up to the stoplight, I hold my breath. It doesn't feel real sometimes. But I know it happened. I know I could've killed my daughter."

Instead of a snide remark, the older woman placed a hand on my shoulder in support. Her touch was soothing.

"And this is something that people go to jail for, you know? People get killed for things like this. There is no kind words to say about it or reassurance to give. Everything from the situation to how I handled it was fucked up. But I couldn't get out of my head. I couldn't stop blaming myself. I somehow convinced myself that my family would be better off without me. That maybe if we took me out of the equation - if the person who caused this went away - everything would be easier. No one would have to look at me and be reminded of the things I've done. I wouldn't have to look at my daughter and be reminded how one stupid argument and an oncoming car changed her life forever."

"But that is her reality." My mom butt in. Her voice was soft as she rubbed circles along my back. I felt my bottom lip beginning to quiver. "No amount of running could've changed that, Normani. It hurts to say it but it's true... And you didn't cause this accident. That man did. Like it or not, if it wasn't her, it could've been someone else. Sometimes life just happens that way. And there is no great explanation for it. At the end of the day, her accident is not your fault, and you leaving wasn't the appropriate answer."

My quiet sniffles slowly turned into sobs. I wiped furiously at my eyes as I stared at the ground.

"I know. I'm trying to fix it. I want to make up for it. I almost lost my wife. I almost lost my job. I could've lost my kid. And I know I can't have everything the exact way it was. But I just want my home back. I miss you. I miss grandma. I miss going to work with Xochitl and taking Angel to the museum on Sundays. I know I messed up. But I don't know how to fix it and it's killing me, ma."

I leaned into her embrace as she scooted her chair closer and pulled me into her arms. The air around us felt muggy - or maybe that was just my face overheating from crying. My chest felt tight from the pressure I was inflicting on it.

"Now I can't speak for your grandmother." My mom whispered. "But I can speak for me. And even though I don't agree with what you did, I can only imagine the amount of pressure you were under."

I nodded softly.

"Fixing this will never be easy. Some days she'll be angry, and maybe one day Angel will look back with questions on why you weren't there. But with time, you find the answers and you learn the lessons. And things with Dinah will blow over. She just has to learn to trust you again. We all do to some extent. But we can only instill that trust in you by you making an effort to be there."

My mama's words felt like the beautiful symphony to my heart. As she spoke words of affirmation into me, a new weight lifted. We hugged that afternoon with exchanges of I love you's and promises to call.

I felt like I was floating on cloud nine. I didn't know the difference that being in my mom's good graces again made until I felt it for myself. I stood up from my chair eager to find my wife and tell her all about it.