Yours Truly ❁ n.k.h

• chapter twelve •

The past week has been a nightmare I can't wake up from.

Now that I'm beginning to be faced with my reality, I find that it's hard to sit with myself and the things that I've done.

I just wanted to get away for a while, Dinah. I didn't mean to fuck things up for you. Especially not this bad.

I spoke to Xochitl a few days ago. And please don't be mad at them when you read this. They've been calling me for weeks, this was just the first time I had the heart to pick up.

They told me everyone's been taking shifts at home to watch Angel and bringing food. I'm happy everyone's pitching in. I mean, I expected nothing less, but hearing my worry addressed out loud was comforting.

I can't imagine how hard it will be for you to look me in the eye when I finally see you. You're a whirlwind of emotions and it's hard to navigate sometimes.

You've must've flew off the handle when CPS came to the door. I hope shit with that didn't go down that bad. If they should be convinced anyone is a bad parent, it's me.

You stayed. You're the one taking her to appointments and making sure she's good.

I'm too scared to even pick up the phone and call my own daughter.

I think the guilt is starting to eat away at me. There's nothing I can really say to you now. The more time goes on, the more clear my head gets. It's like I'm this twelve foot monster peeking from above the clouds and realizing that it's only me here.

It's always been just me.

You tell me that I stand in my own way a lot, and I used to brush you off because I didn't think it was true.

But if there was anything this move has taught me, it's that I do.

It doesn't matter how upset I was over the news or how mad I was at you, maybe leaving wasn't the answer. But I just... I didn't know what to do.

I wanted things to stop, I wanted to reverse time. Like maybe if I left, I could just pretend the last twenty four hours didn't happen.

But then you just kept calling and texting, and so did everyone else, and I just couldn't even stand looking at my phone.

I wish the world would just shut the fuck up for one second and let me breathe.

"Hey, what ya' writing?" Sawyer's bubbly ass voice interrupted, pausing the stroke of my pen.

"Nothing."

There's no way in hell I was explaining Dinah or anything about my papers to her. I don't mind if she has this idea that we're going to be friends. But I just don't plan on being that close with her.

"Okay, it's secret, I get that. Well, do you drive? We're about to close up shop, and it's getting late, I don't want ya' being stuck out there by yourself."

I folded up the papers in my hand, shoving them in my pockets. "Um, yeah, I do. I'll just..." I smiled tightly. "Go drive home."