Yours Truly ❁ n.k.h

• chapter sixteen •

"I had nothing to fucking talk about anyway. I said I needed time, I meant that I needed time. I don't get why she keeps trying to pick at there being some ultra big reason for me leaving other than that shit was scary, and I needed time to process it. It isn't fair that she got to just walk into my workplace one random day, shake shit up, and then leave as if I was the one that disturbed her day. She came to speak to me! I didn't go to speak to her! I gave her my reasons and suddenly it wasn't good enough. What was the point in asking me if she didn't even like my answer? That shit doesn't make any sense!" The small room I paced in didn't seem to be enough to fit all the irritability in the world.

I didn't know what else to do other than call Xochitl when I got home. They were kinda like my safe space. Luckily for me, they picked up on the first ring; unluckily for them, they weren't able to get in a single word since I started flying off the handle. I had a lot to get off of my chest now that the initial stun of seeing Dinah was over. I felt bad for unloading it all on them but I didn't know what else to do.

"I've been living in my head for so damn long, I feel like I'm fucking losing it, bro. I've been trying to wrap my head around all this, and it's still not fucking clicking, it's still not making sense. And I don't even know how she found me, that's the crazy part! She just walked in saying that she booked an appointment with me, and then leaves talking about her flight is leaving tonight. Like, okay? What does that have to do with me? Like, I'm not just gonna let someone force me to talk to them or talk about something if I don't want to, you know? I have nothing to say to her, I've had nothing to say to her, or else, I would've said something already! You get it right? Am I bugging?"

I stared at the ground a little wide eyed from my rant. "I'm bugging?"Although I paused, I could only hear faint breathing. "Um... Hello?"

"I'm here." Xochitl replied. "Sorry, I'm listening, I'm just trying to... Fuck, what was I gonna say? You know, trying to think of something to say back. I mean, do you want me to be honest?"

I nodded as if they could see me. "Always."

"You're... I don't know, bro, you gotta think about how hard things have been for her. Your kid is fighting for her life in the hospital and she was the only one there majority of the time. There was a lot of tough decisions and moments that you weren't there for, and I can only imagine how hard that was not having someone else to carry that shit with. Not to mention y'all live together, and y'all raised her together and so not only is DJ accustomed to you being there, but she is too. It was a change for all of us."

I ran a hand over my face as if the notion could wipe away all of my frustration.

"Plus, you did kinda drop off the face of the earth. Like, when's the last time you spoke to your mom or your grandma? I think we've all been so focused on Angel that we put it aside for now but it doesn't mean that we aren't worried sick... I mean, I get it, right. That shit was scary. I was worried as fuck and came to the hospital as soon as DJ told me and tried to, you know, be there as much as I could. But it was hard to look at A like that. She's such a good kid and so full of life, but stuff like that changes people. I mean whole ass adults break their arm and aren't the same afterwards, so imagine how that shit feels for a little girl that's barely even discovered the world yet. And for it to be in her head at that, she can't get away from it. I understand that you're scared, to be honest, we all are. But it's not about you. Right now we gotta put shit aside for Angel. And you leaving wasn't really doing that."

"Yeah, but I'm not trying to make it about me, I'm just saying that I have feelings with the whole situation too. I'm her mom, I was the one driving when that fucking truck swerved and the beam hit, it was traumatic for me too."