In the past six months, life forced a mirror into my line of sight. In my own reflection, I was forced to look at the way I loved, the way I had trouble letting love in, accountability, and what the word change truly meant.
And what I learned is that change doesn't happen overnight. It is slow, it is sometimes debilitating, and most days you'll hate it.
I watched as wounds that I thought disappeared from my childhood showed back up; the urge to run away from my issues when things got hard, the decision to shut everyone out because I thought they'd never understand the way I felt... On days where those wounds made themselves visible, I found it hard to look at myself. I couldn't peacefully sit there and admit that I was the problem. I thrashed and I cried. I left the people that I loved the most to cope alone. I met new people and reacquainted with old ones. I sabotaged all that was good for me for a false start.
And little did I know, life itself would not only force the obstacle in my way, but also force me to stop running from it. I couldn't understand it first. I didn't understand why God wouldn't just give me a new life or miraculously turn back time on my old one.
I soon learned that it was because growth was lying in wait. When I stopped pushing against the current, I realized it. I realized how loved I was and have always been. I realized how much talking things through even when you feel like no one understands is only half the job. And I realized that trying is the other half.
The attempts won't always be perfect. Mine damn sure weren't. But as I write this, it's a lesson I'm no longer learning, but now looking back on.
So, younger me...? Six months shy Normani...? (I don't know. But me nonetheless.) If I could give you any advice now, it's that your mom is right. And so is Dinah. Maybe even Regina (even if she's still a bitch).
Running doesn't solve anything. It's about being present and making an effort to fight the problem. It should always be you and the ones you love against the issue, not you versus them. And I know you were doing your best with what you knew at the time. I get it. You were trying.
But as the older you speaking, the grace doesn't extend much further than that. You messed up and sometimes you hurt people in the process. And there's no running from that.
The answer was in front of you all along. You just needed to take a deep breath and step back to see it.
Today, we look into life with a new pair of lens, and I'd imagine that if the roles were reversed and you were younger me reading this, you'd be so proud.
I know I am.
Yours Truly,
Normani
♡
STARTED: December 21, 2021
ENDED: May 19, 2022
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Yours Truly ❁ n.k.h
FanfictionWhen apathy works its way into the heart of someone who was once so loving, they become a shell of who they used to be. In Normani's case, the mirror between her past and future self was broken into shards that felt too difficult to piece back toget...
