Notes From The Nether

Coffee At Karen's

Memories are made by how we behave in real-time.

She is holier-than-thou and took it upon herself to verbally 'question her assumption of my being a sorted bloke' however she 'has to reassess that now' because I poured hot water from the kettle into a plastic drinks bottle to make travel coffee for our journey.

The heat leeches the plastic, it's toxic to drink.

She's right, yes. I have said this myself, to her, in a previous conversation discussing recycling of plastics.

"It's a plastic hot drinks flask, designed and sold for that purpose. We don't have a different travel flask." I replied.

It wasn't justifiable enough to calm her. She asked if I would instead buy her a coffee if we do a detour to the drive-through coffee shop instead of trying to poison her, despite it adding half an hour to the journey.

I asked her why she habitually uses a kettle made of plastic without any cause for concern but a plastic flask has aggravated her so much to undermine her opinion of me.

Which might potentially undermine my self-worth, if her opinion of me should be a controlling factor of that. She was shocked and accused me that I had called her controlling.

Luckily she didn't question the type of plastic the kettle is made of being different than the flask. At least she dropped that line of attack in favour of how dare I call her controlling.

I explained I had not called her controlling. She had mistaken the context by which I used that word. I had been explaining how it is a defence mechanism developed against being manipulated.

"I no longer base my self-esteem on other peoples opinion of me nearly so much as I base it on my ability to make a better coffee than the drive-through, who incidentally line their paper cups with a thin layer of plastic to stop them going soggy."

She replied by accusing me of calling her manipulative. I said, not that I was counting but if my memory serves, that's three statements she has instigated to put me on the defensive. I have not had a coffee yet today so I'm not yet firing on full cylinders.

I asked her what is the matter that she is behaving this way?

She said she hasn't had a coffee yet either. I hugged her. She pushed me away after four seconds. It wasn't enough. It's never enough. I need a relationship where we can melt into each other and go soggy.

At the time I put her aggression down to her being stressed, to me being imperfect for her needs. I compared my need to learn how to be more perfect for her against recognition I needed to teach her my coping mechanism to make her a stronger person, so she does not become stressed so easily.

Regardless of whether the imperfection will result in our separation it will help her as a person to teach her a coping mechanism I trust to work, at very least so she can understand her boyfriend.

It's part of doing my job as a human being and as a man and in a relationship because I am a conscientious and practical person who believes in stability and improvement.

It was only after we had split up, speaking with other people about it, who identified her behaviour as hallmark traits of narcissistic personality disorder.

I protected her by stating the concern about plastic is genuine. It is.

We all have to make compromises and weigh up our attitude toward other people,  the impact we have on each other, especially those close to us. Their happiness and ability to function, against the problems we face from the madness of our social structures.

I now collect empty jam jars. They're fragile glass which requires delicate handling and metal lids which eventually rust. Jam jars because commercially available coffee jars universally have plastic lids.

Boiling water can crack the glass if they're cold when it's poured in. Using coffee-temperature liquid with milk in first is usually safe enough. They need be wrapped in a hand towel for protection during travel.

I now always know where my towel is.