Honne; Tatemae

Chapter 5

Payne

I took a deep sigh as I still curse myself multiple times.

Damn! Damn! Damn! Urgh!

Kasabay ng mahinang pagmumura ay yung pagdaiti ko ng noo ko sa malamig na steel handlebar ng dressing area.

I can't still keep up with the way I humiliated myself infront of the crowd nang matapilok ako kanina sa runway.

At sa dinami dami nang pagkakataon, ngayon pa iyon nangyari kung kailan nasa harapan pa naman yung mga Montello kasama ng mga sponsors, curators, fashion designers, stylists, at mga talent managers.

The fall was too bad that the show organizer had to pull me out of the show and get someone to cover up for me.

And I wasn't replaced with just an ordinary person!

I was replaced by Tris! Tris Callaghan! How great is that? I just totally blow up my chance to get handlers! What a nice way to get noticed!

Fuck!

I could still feel the excruciating pain that's penetrating on my left foot. And I know that it could swell if I won't take off my high-heeled shoes. But that's the least of my priority right now.

I have a lot of things to worry for the meantime.

Alam ko na normal lang naman na may matapilok o kaya magkaroon ng wardrobe malfunction o kung anuman na kapalpakan. But not in the freakin' actual show! Not now! Not ever! Not on me!

I just did! I just messed up my one and only chance to redeem myself.

A tear almost stung out of the corner of my eyes.

I bit my lips tightly.

Right. Everyone will be just thinking that I don't deserve to be here. Na nandito lang ako dahil kaibigan ako ni Elise Calvry. That I was one of those who received such charity from Kaylee Montello because she did her bestfriend a favor of hiring me.

I don't have any slight ounce of an idea on how that piece of information slipped like a wildfire after the night of my confrontation with Kaylee Montello ended that bad.

Was it Kaylee? Did she really repulse the idea that I was associated with her bestfriend? Or was she appalled at my admission that I was attracted on her?

Is this her way of ruining me without being too obvious?

No, Payne. Don't cry. You're old enough to cry. Suck up your tears. No one's gonna run it dry for you. Grow up!

With that thought, I took a deep breath again. I suck up for air as I felt my chest almost bursting.

I shut my eyes tightly.

The image of that woman who's standing just few meters away from me as I walk on the ramp awhile ago, started running in my head again.

She was wearing a deep V silver-sequined cocktail mini dress. The kind of dress that perfectly fits a Royal princess.

Classy.

Elegant.

Yung tipong kahit siguro mga sikat na tao ay mahihiyang dumikit dito.

And damn those amber eyes that stared at me intensely as I made my walk at the ramp.

Nakakatuliro. Nakakawala sa sarili.

It's as if we are just like her own dolls, meant to entertain and please her.

An inborn puppet master.