Honne; Tatemae

Chapter 25

Kaylee

"What should I do now?"

Sumandal ako sa headrest ng driver's seat. Kahahatid ko lang kay Payne sa bahay ni Aki.

I don't even know what to do or how I could force my arms to drive off this place. Part of me is screaming to get Payne back. That it's stupid of me to allow her to do this to me.

I am the great and mighty Kaylee Montello.

Kung makikita at malalaman ito nila Mommy o kaya nila Elise o Tris, sigurado ako na magwawala ang mga iyon at aawayin si Payne sa ginagawa nito.

All I have to do is tell them what Payne is doing. They can take care of it for me. Maybe force Payne to marry me? Or worst, threaten Payne that if she'd ever do this again, they'll make her life worst.

But is that really what I want?

No. I want peace of mind. After so long of letting other people to run my life, I just want to take my own shot of happiness on my own.

I can handle this!

I can do this!

Kaya ko pa.

But for how long?

Nanghihinang napasubsob na lang ako sa steering wheel. I'm tired.

So tired.

I want to tell that. But every time that I am trying to open myself up, everyone's rushing to run away. Nasesense ba nila na magiging dagdag alalahanin lang ako kaya nagkukumahog silang iwan ako agad?

I took three consecutive breaths.

Cheer up, Kaylee! You're a barbie, right? Not a crying rag doll. Live up with your image and name. It's fine. Everything will be fine. Nakaya mo naman noon, kaya mo din ngayon.

"Letse ka talaga, Payne!" naiiyak na pinunasan ko yung luhang nagsisimula na naman na mag alpasan sa pisngi ko. "Damn you!" I sniff. "Nananahimik yung buhay ko dati tapos darating ka para guluhin ako. Pagkatapos ngayon na hindi na ako sanay na wala ka saka mo 'ko biglang iiwan? Gago ka talaga!" hindi ko mapigilan na hindi maisumbat kahit mukha akong tangang umiiyak mag-isa.

Bakit kasi may mga ganoon na tao? Darating lang para guluhin yung buhay mo. Ipaparamdam sayo na mas masaya na parte ka ng mundo gayung dati naman mundo yung umiikot sayo. Ngayon, ikaw na yung umiikot sa mundo nila. Kaya ngayong bigla silang nagbabago, pati ikaw natataranta kakahabol sa mga pagbabagong nangyayari sa kanila.

This is truly vexing.

Before, all i was worrying is how to deal with Tris and Elise. Sa dalawang iyon lang umiikot yung buong oras ko.

Pero ngayon, halos makalimutan ko na nga lahat ng responsibilidad ko para lang makasama si Payne. In-adjust ko pa yung tulog ko para masabayan yung oras nito. Kinakansela ko pa yung mga importanteng lakad ko para masamahan lang ito. Lahat ng sasabihin nya, para akong tanga na susunod na lang.

Just because I'm afraid to disappoint her. I'm scared to lose her.

Yet, I am here to the situation where I swear myself that I will never be. Begging for someone's attention again. Waiting for someone's love and affection. Staying to where I am supposed to be because this is the place where she wants me to.

Payne. Why do you have to be the love that hurts this bad?

Huminga ako ulit ng malalim. Kailangan kong kalmahin yung sarili ko. Hindi pwedeng maging mahina.

I just can't afford to become this weak right now.

As I was trying to collect myself, it was also the exact moment when my phone vibrated.