Honne; Tatemae

Chapter 28

Kaylee

It won't work. It will never work. Payne and I are just pawns. We'll never have peace of mind together.

Huminga ako ng malalim habang tinutungo yung daan papunta sa unit namin. She's still at the place of that Montiel. This is my only chance to get all of my belongings bago pa sya makabalik.

I need to do this. Tama na. Sobra na. Hindi tama na pareho lang kaming magkasakitan para sa mga kasalanan na hindi naman kami ang may gawa pero kami yung parehong nagdurusa.

So, No. Mom is right. I should just stay away from Payne because she'll be the cause of my heartbreaks and pain. As I am Payne's source of pain and heartbreaks too.

Mommy's wrong. It won't change a thing kahit pa piliin namin ni Payne ang isa't isa. At some point, we'll both reach the brink. Sa huli, darating at darating lang din yung panahon na magsusumbatan kami dahil sa mga nakaraan ng pamilya naming dalawa.

Kaya bago pa iyon mangyari, ako na yung unang lalayo. Ako na yung magpaparaya. Payne will surely thank me for this.

'Kaya mo yan, Kaylee. You can. Just do the right thing. You can't go on hurting Payne dahil lang makasarili ka at gusto mo lang piliin na maging masaya kahit masakit na.

I took another deep breath as my hands are still shaking as I swipe the card keys. Nang makaramdam ng matinding panghihina ay sumandal lang ako sa pintuan.

Am I really doing this? Ganoon na lang ba? Iiwanan ko na lang si Payne nang wala man lang paalam?

Pero kung magpapaalam naman ako, hindi ko maipapangako sa sarili ko na hindi ako ulit magmamakaawa na manatili na lang sya ulit. Na okay lang ako sa lahat ng set up na gusto nya. Na ayos lang lahat kahit pa nakakasakit na. I will be just selfish again.

Puro na lang sarili ko. Lagi na lang ako. Para na lang lagi sa kapakanan ko. I will become just like that. I will never ever find a way to fully let her go. Because even if it hurts so bad, Payne will always be that kind of pain I wouldn't be able to tolerate. She's the kind of pain I will fully embrace even if it breaks and scars me.

At kung pipiliin ko na naman yung sarili ko, hinding hindi ko gugustuhin na palayain si Payne. Letse. Masaktan na lang sya habang kasama ako. Magsigawan kami. Mag-away. Magmurahan. Magsumbatan. If that will become our everyday routine, I'll let her break my heart every fuckin' day. Magsawa sya. Hanggang sa pareho kaming maubos.

But damn. I know that Payne will never have her peace of mind with me. Magiging makasarili lang ako.

Fucks! Do the right thing, Lee. If you truly love her, you won't go on hurting her. You can never make her happy. Your tangled past is unforgivable... And unforgettable.

Bago pa magbago yung isip ko ay marahas na pinihit ko na yung pinto.

I need to pack up and leave in silence. Siguro naman pag nawala na ako magiging masaya na si Payne. Ililipat ko na lang sa pangalan nya yung titulo ng unit. Magtatransfer na lang ako ng pera sa account niya para makapagsimula sya ulit. I know money will surely never buy her happiness but I know that it can buy her upgrades. It can buy her distance from other people. From me. So she will never have to cross paths with me again.

Binato ko lang yung bag ko sa may couch. Hindi ko na din pinagkaabalahan na magtanggal ng sapatos at magpalit ng house slippers. Hindi naman na ako magtatagal.

As I was too sure of my decisions, the scene that I've seen inside our room made me stop.

"P-Payne.."