Dear Diary (Larry Stylinson)

Answer #1

Dear Diary,

It's been about 3 weeks since I last wrote. I've been busy as hell lately with the new album. I've mainly been finishing Sweet Creature and I'm happy to announce that it's done. Mitch keeps saying that it absolutely has to be on the album. I keep asking the same question: "Won't people know it's about Louis? Won't Louis find out?"

Mitch says I'm just thinking people will find out because I know the real meaning of the song. The fans don't know what's going on in my head. To them, I could be writing about anyone. He's right and I've decided I'm just paranoid.

Gemma and Mom came over today to check on me. Word got around to everyone I'm close to apparently. Niall's never been good at keeping his mouth shut. Again, I'm not mad. Mom and Gemma both knew about Lou and I. Louis and I both came out to our moms on the same night while I families were together. Not a single hateful word was said by anyone that night. There were only words of support, acceptance, and unconditional love. After we got home that night, Mom laughed and said, "Harry you make me laugh. I knew all along."

I laughed too, but now that I think of it, how many other people know I'm bi...or gay...or whatever I am? (Truth is, I'm not sure but that's a question to be answered later). Is that why management tore Louis and I apart? Because it was so bloody obvious to the fans? Ugh I hate to think about that. I'm changing the subject because I'm getting frustrated.

Sweet Creature is officially on the album which will be released soon. I want to write one more song for it, and then I'll have finished it. It could be done now, but there's a piece that's missing. I'll let you know when I figure it out.

I found the answer to the first question. I'm taking them one at a time, and I thought about this one long and hard this morning. The question was this: "who decides what love is?"

For me, the decision wasn't made by me. It wasn't made by Louis either. Or Niall. Or Liam, or Zayn, or Mom, or Gemma. It was made by the management. They are the people who claimed to know what was best for me and what had to be done to make sure I was happy. As they boys and I used to say: "They're the gods above." Well, they were wrong, and I was too young and stupid to see it. Management never cared about me. They never cared about any of us. The only people they took care of and made sure were happy were themselves.

It's ironic to think that my self harm stopped after I joined One Direction, and then I started using coping mechanisms toward the last few years. I still do. It makes you wonder just how much management wanted us safe.

Maybe it's my choice that I love another boy. Maybe I want to be openly gay like other people can be. Maybe I want to decide that I want to spend my forever with the man that lights up my world.

But it can't be that way. Because I'm famous and reputations other than my own will be "ruined". So they decided and still decide what love is for me.

All I want is for me to be free. Fans may think I'm free, but I'm not. I'm trapped in a hateful and unaccepting world. Will anything ever be okay?

All the love, X

(A/N) oof. I wanted to cry while writing this chapter. It hurts to think that Harry might've actually felt and thought things like this.

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