An Angel got me Suffocating ~Kellic~

Chapter 19

 Vic's POV

I sighed as I hung up the phone to Kellin, I wondered who on earth would be knocking at this time of night, but figured it was probably just one of the girls. Although, I couldn't help but think of the possibilty of it being another guy. I mean, Kellin's an attractive guy, he's also so sweet, kind, caring...certainly someone I didn't deserve that was for sure. I know I treated him like crap, I didn't mean too, I was trying my hardest to be the kind of guy he deserved. I was trying my hardest to change, to be there for him, prove to him he can trust me again. But I was just...I was so scared.

It's hard to explain what was going through my head, because I barely understood it myself. When I was with him, everything was okay, it was like nothing had ever changed with us. But then...we'd have sex...and we'd get close, intimate...and I'd completely freak out and just up and leave. I know I'm an asshole for it, you don't need to tell me that, and trust me, I wasn't happy with myself for it. But I knew Kellin deserved so much better then me. Sure I had the looks, but, look's are nothing. Beauty fades over time, you get old, things start to sag, you get wrinkles, age spots, grey hair, most over the age of seventy had dentures, sometimes younger and it doesn't matter how much you care for your teeth, old age just takes it toll. Then your hearing starts going, and your eye sight. Old age and what comes with it is inevitable and beauty fades, but...the heart and soul doesn't. And that's what counts, it's what's inside of you that stays true, that never fades, that stays with you until the day you take your last breath.

Kellin Quinn deserved someone who could give him the world, someone who could protect him, love him, care for him, never let him down. Someone he could love, be true too, open their eyes to the way he see's the world, shower him with all the love and affection he deserved...someone he could trust. He deserved it all, and I just couldn't give it to him. I wanted too, so badly, but it's already been proven I just can't. All I do is hurt him, and I try so hard not too, but I just keep doing it, over and over again. He doesn't deserve that, yet that's all I could offer him...pain.

I told myself to walk away, so many times, but...I just couldn't walk away. He was like a drug, and I was addicted. He was my heroine, and every time I tried to stop, I just kept going back for more. I knew what it was like to loose Kellin once, it completely shut me down, I was a mess without him, and I just couldn't go through that again. I know I treated him so horribly, so badly...but I was just so...scared.

I was so scared that if I let myself get close to him again, and him close to me, like we where before...I'd just hurt him all over again. It's all I seem to be able to do, hurt the man I love so much. I hated myself for it. But, that's all I seem to be able to do in general...hurt people, hurt the people I'm supposed to love and care for. I could try and act like an angel, but really, I was just the devil. But I couldn't walk away from him, and I could tell, he wanted to walk away from me too, but he couldn't. We where both drawn to what wasn't good for us, we where each others heroin, and eventually it would kill one of us, or both.

I was also scared of loosing him again, the thought scared me more then anything in my life. That's why I freaked out so much when I found out he went on a date. I thought I was going to loose him and I terrified me, and something in me flipped, and I flipped at him. It was so wrong of me, and I felt awful but I couldn't help it. He was mine, he was supposed to be mine, not anyone else's. I know that sounds controlling, especailly as I in no way deserved him, but that's how I saw it. I couldn't bare the thought of him being with anyone else.

What was I supposed to do? I was trying so hard, but all I could do was hurt him. I was a mess, he was a mess, we tried to run but we couldn't hide. I wanted to stop, but I couldn't, the demon inside me was too strong, I couldn't fight it, no matter how hard I tried. I was sufforcating him, my hands where around his throat, slowly but surely killing him. I had to walk away, somehow, I don't know how I was going to do it, but I had to find away. I couldn't do this to him anymore...I had to do it for him...even if it killed me...it was time for me to leave him be. Let him live his life, let him be happy, without me...I just needed to figure out how.