An Angel got me Suffocating ~Kellic~

Chapter 11

  **Time skip 6 months**

Kellin's POV
Six long, grueling months had passed since that night that tore me into pieces. It still hurt, but not because of what he did anymore...it hurt because I missed him. I missed Vic so much it was tearing me apart, I kept telling myself to contact him, tell him I'm ready to talk, but I backed out every single time. I'd tell myself he'd probably found someone else now, or that it had been too long he didn't care anymore, after all, after the first week, he stopped trying to contact me. That or I'd just get scared of letting him back in again for him to hurt me again like he did. I got scared that, if I saw him again, or even heard his voice, I'd run straight back to him and he'd just hurt me all over again. I couldn't trust him, I learned the hard way with my ex Dan, once a cheat, always a cheat. But Vic had a hold on me, and I knew that hold was dangerous, because he'd only hurt me again, and again. So, every time I told myself to call, or text, I straight away came up with every excuse not too. I wanted more then anything to be with him again, to kiss him again, to hold him in my arms again, but I couldn't.

For the past six months I've pretty much been a mess, my depression, anxiety and all the issues I'd had before where amplified now, they where worse. Four months ago, I'd gotten so low, I'd tried to take my own life, but I failed, just like I do with everything else in life. I overdosed on sleeping tablets, while pouring crimson from my veins, but hey, I'm still here so clearly I couldn't even do that right. How stupid is that? I was so much of a fuck up who failed at everything, I couldn't even get taking my own life right. I'd managed to loose my job too, that wasn't my fault though, some big company took over our store, and once they had, everyone was given the sack and now I worked in some shitty hard wear store, stacking shelves and serving customers. And, because life likes to stab me in the heart over and over, most of my customers where couples. Happy, cute, couples, buying things to decorate the homes they shared with their partners. It made my stomach churn seeing them, I could've been one of those couples, with Vic, like I'd wanted, but that wasn't going to happen, not now, not ever. But, the pay was decent, it kept my head above water and it was the only job that was going at the time so I had no choice but to suck it up.

"Hey babe, what time you finish work tomorrow?" Simon, my boyfriend ask. Yes, you heard right, boyfriend. I'd met him online about two months ago, Maude and Lydia set me up on this site, desperate to try and help me move on from Vic, they hated seeing me so torn up, depressed, broken and alone. I refused at first, but Simon messaged me after about two weeks of being on the site, and I could tell instantly we had things in common, so I decided to message back. And here we are two months later. Did I love him? Nope. I tried to tell myself I did, I had no reason not too, he was good look, short cute curly dark hair, with brown eyes, ever so slightly sun kissed skin, he was around my height, muscular, but not too muscular and a smile that could make butter melt. He played guitar in some metal band, that actually where pretty good and did quite well around here. He was nice, kind, sweet, understanding for the most part. Intitally there was a few glitches, but I think we where over them now and he understood me, and how my screwed up head worked. So, I had no reason too, but I didn't, and I couldn't...because he wasn't Vic.
"Six, why?"
"Just thought maybe we could go out for dinner? I know I've been busy with gigs the last couple weeks, so thought it would be nice, you know, have some 'us' time away from the band and everything."
"Sounds good." I gave him a small smile.
"Ok, well I'll pick you up at eight yeah? I got to get to work."
"Okay, I'll see you tomorrow."
"Have a good day." He smiled and placed his lips on mine. "I love you."
"Love you too." I forced the best smile I could, before he said goodbye and left, leaving me to shove one of my cushions over my face and scream into it, then use it as a punching bag.

Of course I felt awful, I felt like I was just using Simon, for the simple fact I didn't want to be alone and I wanted so badly to forget about Vic. Well, I didn't want too, but I had too, I could never get him back, and the memories where too painful to bare. I mean, I guessed I liked him, and I was attracted to him enough to do the whole sex business, but I just couldn't love him, not the way I loved Vic. I truly felt in my heart that he was the one, that I could never love any one, or feel the way I do nearly as much as I love and feel the way about Vic. Vic was my one true love, and he was gone, never to come back. Even if he did come back, I could never trust him, and what's a relationship without trust?

So, I had to accept this was my life now, a shitty job I hated, faking happiness with a man I could never truly love. I could've had my dream life, but Vic took that away, he showed me what dreams where made of, he showed me everything I could have and more, he showed me I could've had everything I'd ever wanted...and then he took it away. He stabbed a knife in my heart, and a knife in my soul and ripped my world into a million tiny pieces and try as I might to put the pieces together again, I couldn't. Because, Vic held the vital pieces, and those pieces I'd never find again.

Vic's POV

"Leaving already?" The random blonde haired dude, who's name I couldn't even remember spoke as I got out of the strange bed, pulling on my pants.
"Yeah, got to work, sorry." I wasn't sorry, and it was actually my day off, but, he was a one night stand and I couldn't get out of their quick enough.
"Well, maybe we can do this again sometime? It was fun." He shot me a mischievous smile.
"Sure, just write down your number and I'll give you a text when I'm next free." I had no intentions on ever calling or texting, but you know, I didn't want the grief of being blunt with the dude...I'd made that mistake with the last one.
He scribbled down on a piece of paper and handed it to me. "You're probably lying, but you know, if you fancy it, there's my number. If you're worried about me wanting more, or a relationship or anything, trust me, I don't. Just a little fun, that's all."
And that's what the last guy said too. "Well, If I ever am up for it I'll be sure to let you know." I put the piece of paper in my jeans pocket and slipped on my t-shirt. "Um, do you know where my jacket is?"
"Back of the sofa."
"Thanks."
"Sure, well, I had fun."
"Yeah me too, I'll uh, see you soon." I shot him a small, totally fake smile and got out of there, grabbing my jacket on route.

Yup, Vic back to his old tricks again and I can't even begin to tell you how happy that made Ronnie and his gang. Austin, Alan, Jaime, Tony and my brother on the other hand, they weren't happy about it, but they knew better then to get in the way. For two months I was a mess without Kellin, I waited, and waited, giving him his space and I got nothing back. I never expected too, I'd messed up big time, like I'd said, I knew I should've gone home at that first red flag, but I was too stupid. And because of my stupid mistake, I lost him. It hurt so bad, I was filled with so much pain, so much hurt, so much guilt and regret it all got too much. I started drinking every weekend, and ended up going home with god knows who. For a while, it was the same guy, but he got attached, so for the past month or so it's just been whoever. I'd totally shut down emotionally. I no longer gave a flying toss who I hurt, who I upset. I'd figured this was who I really was, someone who would only end up hurting the people around him, so I thought fuck it and embraced it.

It worked for me, of course, to my friends and family I was still Vic, just a more angry, frustrated, more irritable Vic. But to anyone else I was just an asshole who went around braking hearts and not giving a damn about it. Call me whatever you want, but this was better then the alternative. The alternative being missing Kellin, filled with that regret and guilt again. I never wanted to feel again, so I found away to shut off my emotions and I was never turning them on again, it was as simple as that.

Austin and Alan had tried to convince me to contact Kellin again, give it one more shot, but I refused. He clearly didn't want me anymore, and I couldn't blame him and he was better off without me. Loosing him was the final straw for me, and I don't think even he could save me this time. I'd tried to kid myself telling myself that I was a good guy, but I wasn't, so there wasn't even a good guy to save. Just a devil in disguise, that's all I was, an evil angel sent from hell to do the devils work hurting innocent people. The second I accepted that's who I was, everything got easier. If I didn't care, If I didn't let anyone in, if I kept myself shut off and just kept a certain few close who I knew would put up with my bullshit, I couldn't get hurt and I'd never have to feel that way again. It was easier this way.

A/N: Okay apologises this is shorter then my usual chapters, but it's just a filler to lead on to the next part. The next chapter will be better, and longer :)