Chapter 19| The last mistake
"And I turned off a part of me I can't find anymore(...)
And I wish I was somebody else
Just to feel like I'm enough for myself..."
— 14, Clinton Kane
𑁍Nova𑁍
"I'm drowning Dais, I can't handle everything that I'm feeling. It's all too fucking much" I rub my chest with the palm of my hand
Daisy sips her strawberry milkshake, she met me here (on the curb of a lonely Johnny Rocket's parking lot near school) as soon as I called
The metal door a few feet behind us keeps opening and closing when an employee takes out the trash, then smokes, then takes out more trash
"I think you never really learned how to handle emotions, for me it was the opposite. I became too good at it until I hated to feel absolutely everything" she says
I drank my Oreo milkshake too fast and I already know my intestines are gonna be screaming at me later
"My life has always been unpredictable, my one constant was Rune and then Cadence. But Cady's gone and Rune's..." I trail off to think
"He's still here, but he's changing. He no longer shares the same bitter life perspective as me. I'm the one who feels stuck while he feels differently" I say and puff out a breath
"He feels hopeful Nova, he has been let down by everyone he lets in but whatever he saw in your family made him believe that there's hope in being safe, being loved and of being a part of something" she says
I open my mouth but she stops me from speaking "Before you say it, Nova, they are your family. I know you've had plenty of those over the years but just because they were shitty doesn't mean your brothers and dad will be too"
"I know that D, that's what scares the fuck out of me" I whisper
"What are you so afraid of?" She asks, she leans back on her elbows
"Hurting them. Ruining them" I say without hesitation "It's not even about letting them in, I mean yeah part of it is, but they've proven time and time again that for once in my life I'm safe"
"And how would you hurt them if you open up to them Nova? Seriously, they've been dying to be in your life I don't think there's anything negative about you letting them" she says, her free hand moves to rub her belly
"If I accept their love and reciprocate it — because I can't keep lying to myself, I already love them — they'll end up like Cadence. I'll hurt them" I say clenching my fists
Daisy let's out a breath and puts her cup down "Nova you already are hurting them" she says
"But how? I have kept them at arms length" I scoff and get up
"Exactly! I would give anything for me and my brother to have a family like yours and you keep pushing them away" she gets up too
"Because I'm protecting them!" I yell
"Because you're a goddamn coward!" She yells back. I flinch
YOU ARE READING
Nova Grace
Random"Give me three months Nova, only three months and I'll show you what having a family is. That this life - despite all the pain you've endured - is worth living" Emilio, my father, whispers into the cold night He walks with cautious steps as I stand...
