Nova Grace

25

Chapter 25| Make amends

"And if you have a minute, why don't don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know"

  — Somewhere only we know,  Keane

𑁍Nova𑁍
Day 10

Isolation is my go-to coping mechanism, according to my psych Victoria. I feel overwhelmed, frustrated, sad, angry...I isolate. She told me it's what my younger self learned from my mom and Alec

I never had an open space to feel, I cried and mom sent me to my room with red welts on my ass to give me a 'valid' reason to cry, because my feelings weren't valid enough

I was taught that emotions are not to be shown to others, I learned from my childhood that I could only rely on Rune to keep me afloat

But I never learned to do it by myself, he was always there to extinguish my fires. That's why Victoria says it's good for me to be away from him for the two week program

And then there's also my defense mechanism, the one let out the most when Emilio brought me home. I've been working on my guilt a lot with Victoria

The guilt of knowing I've been so bad to them Lucas cried when I gave him the smallest smile, how dad had to jump into freezing currents to get his only daughter out — almost killing himself in the process

The way Rafael tiptoes around me so I don't explode again, because he knows I'm in pain and I don't want them to know, only they do know

I hurt because of the way Santi tried to give me an outlet and teach me how to make sure I never find myself under anyone again with no way out and I didn't appreciate it

Or Eli and his grumpy attitude knew to get me out of the house because I was feeling too overwhelmed with everything

Even Uncle Joel, who brought me back home after I lost control and wound up hungover, in danger and hours away from home

And then there's Cadence's death, my assault...and everything that came after

I'd been avoiding the topic, but yesterday Victoria made my speak about it. We're working on understanding that nothing that happened that night was my fault

In a few days is my "absolution" day, but also the day I ask for forgiveness. Dad is allowed to come, but not my brothers

And then there's Oliver, the friend to whom I lost my virginity to that night, the event that led to him losing his entire future. I'm the most nervous about him, I don't think he'll ever forgive me

"You're sure?" Mercy asks with wide eyes

"I'm telling you, she definitely said she was boning him" I tell her, we've been gossiping about the receptionist guy who I'm sure is sleeping with our nurse Patricia

I overheard them talking yesterday

"But he's so young!" She exclaims with a laugh

"I know, he must be twenty at most. And how old can she be, forty something?"

Mercy laughs from her spot on the floor, the old lady Fiona is nowhere to be seen, Pablo is sitting in a corner talking to himself and people are everywhere waiting for the movie to start