𝐩𝐚𝐩𝐞𝐫 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐬 [ 휴닝카이 ]

34 - promise

tw/ suicide

it's been a month now since I've been with Huening Kai. 

But yet I still feel devastated. 

Kai doesn't know about me being suicidal. 

Therapy doesn't seem to be working. 

Things are somewhat better at home but. 

I'm still not over my grandma's death. 

How could I be, she was practically my own mom. 

And I know she's not but it feels like my mom is trying to replace my grandma. 

The only time I feel the happiest is with Huening Kai. 

But I don't want to depend on him and if I were to tell him I don't want to overwhelm him and put all this pressure on him. 

It wouldn't be fair.. 

It's not fair for anybody. 

So I think it's best if I remove myself from everyone's lives. 

Permanently. 

I can't live this way anymore. 

It all feels fake- I feel fake. 

I'm tired of hiding the way I feel. 

Because once they find out how I really feel they'll all treat me different. Just like how they did the first time when I was smaller. 

I was a kid, i didn't understand what i was feeling or what was going on.  

but now that i do, it's been hell. 

and if Kai were to find out how I ever felt.. I'll feel terrible. 

The bell rang as everyone in photography class gathered their stuff and started heading out. 

"Hey Yuri, do you want to walk home with me?" Kai asked smiling. 

My heart pounded in my chest. 

I looked up at him as he smiled softly waiting for my response. 

God I love him so much. But I don't want to hurt him. Anything but that. 

"No go ahead without me, I need to grab something from my locker" Yuri faked a smile. 

She stood up as she held his face, and kissed him as if it would be her last. 

Kai looked at her confused but smiled. 

"Okay, if you change your mind I'll be here waiting for you" He said hugging me. 

I blinked back some tears before we pulled away from the hug as I felt my heart race with anxiousness. 

I held his hands staring down at them as I gulped the feeling of guilt down my throat. 

Yuri walked out of the class as she clenched her fists anxiously. Everyone in the halls around her laughing and talking as they exited the school for the day. 

Why can't I be like them?

She finally made it to the door that led to the rooftop as she glanced around and walked in. 

She was met with the bright sun against her skin as the wind pushed her hair around. 

She breathed in deeply as she sighed. 

This is it. 

I can finally be at peace with my grandma. 

No more pain, no more worries, no more regret. 

I watched the clouds pass by and watched the last few cherry blossoms fall to the ground. 

I slipped my shoes off as I stepped onto the ledge, my palms sweaty. 

I looked over the edge, had the school always been this tall?

I closed my eyes as I leaned forward.

I felt a strong pull around my waist as I fell backwards. 

I opened my eyes, on the concrete of the roof instead of the concrete of the school plaza. 

Yuri looked over and saw Kai. 

"Yuri." He said tears rolling down his face. "it was you who wrote that suicide note."

Yuri's eyes widened as tears streamed down her face.

"It was your note I found in the hallway.." his voice trembled.

"Kai.." she shook. 

 Kai pulls her into his arms, hugging her tightly.

"You were about to leave me.." He cried as Yuri trembled.

"I'm sorry.." Yuri burst into tears. "I thought everything would be better off without me" 

"What are you talking about-?!" He scolded her burying his face into her shoulder. "Yuri you are so precious to me"

"I'm tired of feeling this why Kai.. I'm scared" Yuri said.

"Scared of what-?" He cried stroking her hair. 

"That you'd leave me" Yuri said "or that eventually this happiness you bring me would fade- or that I'll never get better.."

"So leaving me first is was your plan?!" He said holding her arms, "Yuri stop thinking that way!" He shouted.

"Nothing will get better until you change the way you think" He said, tears running down his face. 

"Yuri you may think you don't matter, but to me- to others you are worth so much than what you think.."

"So please.. don't do it" Kai said hugging her again. 

Yuri's heart began to race again. 

"Kai.." Yuri muttered.

"I love you"

Kai smiled as he cupped her face and wiped her tears with his thumb. 

"Promise me.. that together we can get through this." he whispered holding her hand to his lips.

"I promise." 

One more tear slid down his face as he kissed her hand. 

"Thank you" Yuri said.

"For what?" he asked looking up at her. 

"For saving me."