RYAN'S POV
I didn't remember why I started smoking at the age of sixteen, it was probably just so many things put together... I've never really thought about it and I thought it was strange to think about it just now.I had closed the real Ryan in a box and thrown it somewhere, doing everything to forget it. For a while it worked, but knowing him I realised I had only lived in a lie. None of everything I had experienced up to that point seemed true, all a lie, all pretenses being built day after day and it was fucking nauseating.
"Let's do it again" her hand began to travel to places she should have stayed away from, growing a feeling in my chest that made me want to throw up.
"I'm smoking"
"Then put out that fucking cigarette" I said nothing, trying to enjoy the last remnants of the cigarette.
And while her attention seemed to be on something that didn't interest me at all, my eyes and all my concentration were nowhere but on the cigarette in my hands.
The more I smoked the more the cigarette was consumed and this looked so much like a metaphor about my life.
It had been years since I last smoked and only now had I realised why I had quit.
Thinking about it, smoking has always been a distraction, I was thinking about other things and concentrating on other things, my body had other things to think about, thoughts, emotional pain and everything else took a back seat. My dad's screams, the homophobic insults shouted with contempt and anger that, for some reason still unknown to me, influenced me so much, everything disappeared from my mind and it was a really good feeling.
Smoking meant making everything vanish and it was honestly the only thing I wanted.
When I quit smoking, I only realised the real reason afterwards. I was happy. My life was not perfect and it never had been, but perfection, on the other hand, never existed, so claiming it was a bit stupid. I had him though, and having him meant having everything. Suddenly the need to smoke was completely gone, I no longer had negative thoughts, the pain seemed to be less and less and day after day I began to think that maybe happiness could do for me too. Everything has been replaced by smiles, hugs and kisses, cuddling at any time of day or night, long chats until late at night, evenings spent watching the stars and others spent doing crosswords or reading books, singing or playing, watching movies or tv series. My life turned into a romantic comedy very quickly, faster than I thought. And, when before the idea was almost nauseating, now it was just all I wanted.
Being with him was perfect, he was perfect and it was strange that I would think such a thing when perfection was never anything. Perhaps, however, perfection is something subjective, something that I see as perfect, my perfect. My perfect was the first thing I thought about when I heard this word. Whatever perfection was, I knew he was my perfection, my concept of perfection and there was no way to change my mind.
"What are you thinking about"
"My business," I replied pissed off, fucking pissed off that she had just cut off the flow of my thoughts.
I felt empty. It was a sensation that I used to experience a lot, every day it was as if there was nothing inside me. Nothing but the real repressed me. It had become such a familiar feeling over the years, but knowing him my life changed. There are people who come in and out of your life as passengers and then there was him. He entered my life and turned it upside down in the best possible way. With him I didn't feel empty, I felt full of everything I had never had.
As familiar as the feeling of emptiness was to me, it was no longer familiar now and was almost difficult to manage. It was like I was no longer in control of my emotions and it was fucking scary.
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ℝ𝔸ℕ𝔻𝕐 & 𝕁𝔸ℂ𝕂𝕃𝕐ℕ 𝕆ℕ𝔼𝕊ℍ𝕆𝕋𝕊🏳️🌈
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