Don't Lose Sight of Me

8

"Anna," he breathed out, his eyes falling onto me. Emotion ran through my body, and I couldn't decide which to show. He was here. I thought I'd never get to see him again.

He rushed towards me.

"Oh my god, you're alive," he whispered, crushing his lips to mine. He kissed my cheek, my forehead and lips. And I felt so unworthy in his arms. Death would have been better than to wake up something new and terrible.

"Steve," I cried, he picked me up. He hustled through the base. He called for Banner to meet us on the jet. He placed me on a bed in the quinjet.

"I love you so much," he repeated running a hand down my bald head. He looked so relieved and worried all at the same time. Did he understand how broken I was?

He wiped my tears because I couldn't. His eyes were just as blue as I remembered. He looked so sad.

"We're going home." He promised me, bending his forehead down to mine.

"Steve, listen to me." I spoke out, he froze in his spot. He pulled back. I wished I could reach out for him. I wanted to touch him. I wanted to remind him how much I loved him. But it wasn't enough anymore. "I can't go home. I can't go on like this."

"Anna? What? What did they do?" He asked with a contorted face. He was scared. I looked around. The voices were getting louder. People were entering the quinjet.

"I can't do this. I can't, I can't, I can't" I repeated in a panic. Everyone on the quinjet was too loud. And I cried out.

"Anna, it's okay, it's okay. I'm right here. We're going home." Steve reassured me hugging my body. I cried into his shoulder. He was so real. I could feel the warmth of his body, to the softness of his touch. I could smell the smell of his aftershave, it smelled like pine. And I could feel the wetness of our tears, and the kisses he seared onto my skin.

And when he disappeared, I woke up screaming.

It was all another hallucination.

In my mind, I fell to the ground. I screamed out loud. I cried for my life that I hadn't deserved before. I begged to be released from their grasp.

No one could come near me without crashing to the floor themselves. He was gone. He was ripped from me again. I couldn't take it anymore. How many times did I have to say goodbye?

Pain swept through me, through anyone near me. I was impenetrable. You can't touch a weeping volcano. So they left me there, until I was inactive enough to move.

I could go into more detail about what they did, or what they didn't do to me. There's probably a shorter list of what they didn't actually do to me. But I don't want to talk about. I don't want to write about it. Even now, as I'm writing this for you, I feel ashamed of myself. How could I have let them use my body like this? How did I become the victim, the damsel in distress? I am so inexplicably uncomfortable with how powerless I was. I can control peoples minds, and yet I couldn't stop them. And I can't help but feel like it was my fault. Like I did this to myself, and I don't deserve to mourn the way I do.

Most of my time there, I spent stuck in my own head. And there's nothing good that can come from my own craziness. I think that's obvious by now. I'd have dreams, memories and sometimes they were mixed. I can't remember what was a memory or what I made up to comfort myself. I was loosing my mind. Nothing seemed real anymore. And everyday that passed, I seemed to give up more. I did give up. I hoped I was dead before they came to get me, if they even were. I was better off dead, than this broken and tortured. How could I ever put myself back together?