Dust in the Empty Flames

Prologue: The accident

I don't even know just when I realized it was my job to take care of her. It just happened. I had never really thought much about just how young she was. Madison was only seven years old but she was also just my sister. We fought, we made up, only to be at it again the next day. I guess her being only seven years old really got through to me we came home that day to see dad actually home for once, sitting on the couch staring at nothing in particular with a distant look on his face.

He looked up to see us by the door and he seemed to remember where he was again. He took a deep breath and by the looks of the grim frown on his face he seemed to be at war with himself. I think I had the same confused look on my face as my sister but she was the one who voiced my own thoughts as well. Her clear innocent voice rang out in the silence and she asked," Where's Mommy?"

Her question caused him to flinch as if her words had stuck a knife in his heart, and judging by what he told us afterwards, they probably had. I don't really remember much of what he'd tried to tell us but I do remember him trying to say it as gently as possible.

He told us to sit down and he told us what had happened. Mom had been dropping Madison off at school, she'd had to hurry to get to work out of the fear of being late(again). Unfortunately, someone else had been running late as well and Things went from bad to worse in an instant. They ended up crashing. Mom died soon after and the ambulance did not get there in time to save her.

I remember Dad's eyes that used to be bright green and shining, but I don't remember crying. I don't even think I did. I remember holding Madison as she was forced to process what he told us. When she did she stayed quiet only to let out a heartbreaking cry that ended in her sobbing in my arms as Dad tried to comfort her using what I know would have been the words Mom would have said to her at a moment like that.

Only his heart wasn't in it, and now she wasn't there to say them. She never would either. That realization made me go numb. There was a painful lump in my throat but, again, no tears. Tears that still have yet to come...

From that day on I was in charge of taking care of the house. I cleaned, I took Madison to school, I got the groceries,and I even had to learn how to cook. I'd never actually had to learn to cook before. Mom had always done everything, the cooking included. I'd loved her cooking, but like so many other things she would do for us, I never really appreciated it until she was gone. That was because I'd never considered that she might not be around to do it anymore.

Now I would give anything to hear her cooking in the kitchen, berate me for not helping her, or for eating too quickly. I would would give anything to hear her blasting her music in the kitchen so loud that I could hear it all the way to my room, and was forced to close the door for some peace and quiet. I would give anything to smell dinner cooking and drifting into my room signalling that the food was ready. I would give anything to have all those thing because they meant that she would still be here to do them.

I miss her so much but some days I can't find the time to realize it. Now, as karma's way of payback for not appreciating her when she was here, I have to do everything she did and then some. I have to get up early to make breakfast for Maddie, drop her off at school, and then head to work myself.

While not the most ideal life I could've imagined for myself, I could've lived with that life just fine as painful as it was. Fate, however, had different plans for me, and now here I am. Living a life I don't want, in a place I don't want to be in, with people I could've lived the rest of my life without ever seeing again. I keep trying tell myself I'm fine but, if I'm fine, why am I desperately trying to find some sanity in this crazy and confusing situation I've somehow managed to land myself in?