wed.

I think they sing a song of purple summer

FINAL CHAPTER

. . .

John sat up in the hospital bed. "Wait, what?" It had been hours since the incident and it was now early morning. John had sobered up, but still had a pounding headache; his throat hurt and his voice was raspy.

"Well, you know how Alex scrubs literally everything in bleach? Like dude seriously has some obsession with bleach." Peggy hummed. She sat down in the chair beside the hospital bed. "Apparently it has oxidizers in it that cause fire to spread faster or whatever. I wasn't really listening. But, unfortunately, most everything in the house was ruined." She sighed. "Alex is staying over at Thomas's. You can stay with me if you want."

"Everything?" John whispered.

"Pretty much. I stayed there until they put the fire out." Peggy touched John's knee. "I'm sorry. I know you moved most of your stuff in."

"My Walkman," John breathed out, staring downward. "All my tapes." He looked devastated. "My whole entire life was on those tapes."

Peggy paused. "I thought they were just recordings of Alex."

"Alex is  my life!"

Peggy breathed out a laugh and shook her head. "Alex isn't your life, John. Just because all your tapes were destroyed in the fire doesn't mean that they didn't exist. It doesn't mean that Alex didn't say any of the things he did. It doesn't mean those conversations didn't happen. And even if those tapes weren't destroyed, they don't make you and Alex's conversations any more special."

John was quiet. He unscrewed the cap to his water bottle, but just stared down at it. "What if Alex divorces me now?"

"...Because all of your cassettes are destroyed?" Peggy looked confused. "What does that have to do with divorce?"

"Well, isn't that why he married me in the first place? We made a deal. And that deal was on one of my cassette tapes. So, what if he just doesn't think that---"

Peggy smacked John in the forehead. "You're talking nonsense. Honestly, I seriously doubt that Alex just married you because you made a deal. But even if he did, why do you want to stay married to someone who doesn't love you."

"Because I love Alex. And I like when Alex talks to me even if it is just to insult me. I like listening to him talk even if I don't understand what he's talking about. I don't care if he doesn't love me. I love him." John's eyes shifted to the wall behind Peggy. "And I deserve to be selfish once in a while."

"Of course you do. I'm just trying to make sure that you know you're not disposable. You're not worthless. And you deserve to be loved by someone as much as you love Alex." Peggy looked at John sincerely. "You know that, right?"

John was quiet for a long time. He shifted in the hospital bed. "I'm ready to go now. I feel fine."

...

John sat on the edge of Alex's pool, his feet in the water. He was messing with his lighter and staring into space. His phone was set beside him and he had a pair of earbuds in. He bought them after The Fire a week ago.

Since The Fire, John had been staying with Peggy. He'd called Alex several times, but was met with no answer. He'd left voice messages, but got nothing in response. Peggy told him that Alex just needed some space. John lit his lighter, staring at the flame. He didn't remember much from the night of The Fire, but he did know that his lighter started it. To say he was embarrassed was an understatement.

Staying with Peggy has been hard on John. He missed early mornings sitting and staring at Alex. He missed what life was like before The Fire and before his suicide attempt. When Alex would talk to him and their movie nights. What John would do for Alex to just call him. He didn't care if it was just to insult him. He wanted to hear Alex's voice and he didn't have his cassette tapes to soothe him with Alex's voice.