wed.

In which Alex is feeling many feelings he doesn't really understand

(Love how I published this with no title at first)

TW: Attempted su*cide, talk of su*cide, and self hate talk. If you ever feel su*cidal or need help you can call : 800-273-8255

...

Alex picked up a big shard of glass and tossed it into the trash. "Hey, John?" he called, and walked toward the stairs. He climbed up four steps and then turned at the corner and saw John sitting at the top of the rest of the stairs. He was rocking back and forth, pulling at his hair and scratching his face, softly sobbing, and mumbling to himself.

Alex noticed the blood immediately, as John was covered in it. He walked up the steps and crouched down. "Hey, hey, Laurens. Look at me." He grabbed John's hands, accidentally cutting himself on the glass that was still clutched in John's hand. "Ow. Fuck." He pulled away and stuck his thumb in his mouth for a brief second, making the blood go away. John tightened his grip on the glass, and Alex tried to pry open John's hand.

John sobbed harder.

"John. Give me the glass." Alex tried prying John's hand open, but John kept his grip. "John, seriously, let go. Let me have the glass." John's grip loosened and Alex took the glass. "I'm gonna call 911."

John was physically shaking from the damaged nerves in his hand. He violently shook his head. "Let me die here, please!"

"Stop it." Alex shoved John. "The fuck you talkin' bout? I'm not leaving you here to die. I'm calling 911. It's a miracle you're not dead by now or at least unconscious." 

"I don't wanna go," John sobbed. He dug into his cuts and scratched at his neck, making himself bleed even more. 

Alex smacked John's hand away, putting the phone to his ear. John grabbed the piece of glass again, but Alex grabbed his wrist. He set the phone aside and grabbed John's face. "It's gonna be okay, okay? An ambulance is on their way."

"No." John shook his head. "I don't want to." He scratched his neck again, and Alex put his hand around John's neck, cooling the irritated skin. John started to feel light headed again from loss of blood. He set his hand on Alex's knee, his finger tracing over the material. His head drooped and the last thing he heard was the sound of the ambulance.

Alex ran a hand through his hair as he paced in the hospital. He sighed heavily and sat down, biting his nails.

"Hey," Peggy said. She set her hand on Alex's shoulder. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine." Alex shrugged her off. "Laurens is being treated or whatever. I haven't heard anything."

"You look nervous. Are you worried?" Peggy sat down beside Alex, taking his hand in hers. "'Cause it'll be okay."

"Why would I be worried?" Alex pulled out of Peggy's grip and crossed his arms. "I don't even like Laurens. I'm not worried."

"Well, I just thought since your husband just tried to kill himself during a psychotic breakdown, you'd be a little more concernable." She sighed and patted Alex's knee. Alex shifted. "Go home, Alex. Get some sleep. It's one AM. I'll wait here."

Alex was quiet for a moment. He finally nodded and stood up. "Okay. Yeah. I'll see you later." He rubbed his hands on his pants.

"Get some sleep." Peggy forced a weak smile and reached over, grabbing Alex's hand and squeezing it. She let go. "I mean it. Sleep."

Alex walked out of the hospital before realising that he'd ridden in the ambulance with John. He clenched his jaw and tried to release his irritation. He exhaled and then called an uber.

He came home to a quiet house. There was no curly headed guy greeting him on the stairs and Alex suddenly felt awkward. He told himself he'd just gotten used to seeing John when he came home that it was abnormal to come home to nothing. It wasn't true, of course. Alex missed John, but he would never admit that out loud. Over his dead body would he say he missed John Laurens.

Alex crouched down and picked up the rest of the glass. He mopped up the wine and then scrubbed his entire floor with bleach, which immediately set him at ease. He took in the scent while he made himself a cup of coffee and then took his mug outside on the back porch. He sat down and exhaled.

His mind drifted to John and the events of today. Every time his eyes closed, he could see John sitting on the steps covered in blood and crying. He tried to keep his eyes open and focus on the sky and the pool lights. He started to drift in and out of consciousness.

Alex must've fallen asleep because he woke up with jolt and Peggy was standing in front of him.

She laughed and shook her head. "Come on, I made breakfast."

"Where's Laurens?" Alex asked, rubbing his eyes. He sat up and grabbed his cup of tea that was still half full.

"He's inside." Peggy helped him up and straightened his shirt. "I made pancakes."

"And didn't invite Thomas?" Alex teased, knowing Thomas would drop everything if he'd heard that Peggy had made pancakes. Thomas was a slut for Peggy's pancakes. He walked inside, still a bit sleepy. He saw John, who was sitting at the counter, staring at his lighter, his breakfast untouched.

Alex walked over. "How are you feeling?"

John's hand was wrapped and he was wearing a long sleeved shirt and a pair of sweatpants that he must've changed into once he and Peggy got home. He just shrugged and lit the lighter, not really wanting to say anything.

"You're not going to try to kill yourself again, right?" Alex asked. "Because I can't deal with that again."

John slowly raised his gaze, but didn't look Alex in the eye. "I'm sorry." He paused. "For not killing myself. Not for bothering you with trying to kill myself."

"I'm not bothered with it, I just---"

"Yes, you are." John nodded. He shook his head and laughed. "I bother you. You literally said 'one can only take so much John Laurens'. You say you don't hate me, but you do, Alexander." He shifted and then looked Alex in the eye. "So if I want to kill myself, don't fucking stop me."

"The both of you need to calm down," Peggy said.

"Peg, shut up, respectfully." Alex snapped before turning back to John. "I'm not going to let you kill yourself. I want to make sure that it doesn't happen again. I want to make sure I don't find you on the stairs covered in blood and cutting yourself with glass again. Hence, again. If this is going to be a problem--you cutting yourself and trying to kill yourself--that's...you're gonna have to move out."

John fell silent and he looked down. "I won't do it again," he whispered.

"And the creeping into my bedroom at night also needs to stop," Alex added. He crossed his arms. "But mostly the trying to kill yourself part."

"That's enough!" Peggy snapped. "The both of you fucking stop. Alex, you need to recognise that John can't help how he feels and it's your job as his fucking husband to help him with his mental health--despite  the circumstances you got married under. John, you need to realise that Alex was scared when you ended up in the ER and know that Alex just wants you to be safe--even if he doesn't present that in the best way." She threw her hands up and huffed. "This pettiness between the both of you needs to stop. John, why are you putting yourself in this toxic relationship? And Alex, why the fuck aren't you making this a safe environment for him when you agreed  to marry him?" 

Both Alex and John were silent.

John finally answered in a quiet voice. "Because I love Alexander." 

"Do you?" Peggy asked, looking at him with a sympathetic look. "Do you really love him?"

...

Note: This is NOT what you do when a loved one or friend has attempted su*cide. If you would like to know how to support someone who has come home after a suicide attempt, you can go here (!) : https://mentalhealth.org.nz/conditions/condition/suicide-supporting-someone-after-a-suicide-attempt