Journal of the Amnesiac Wizard: A Setosorcerer/FyreUk/GoldSolace Story

- Entry #26: The Recovery & Speculation -

-- Entry #26 - August 20th -- Friday --

It's funny how something so simple as memories could mean so much to you once they are gone. Like Nicholas and Anna said, I was trapped in my memories, clueless moments in my life that just came and went but never stuck. I forgot them as quickly as I saw them, but there is a prominent theme throughout them that scares me.

War.

Various battles, all on different battlefields and against different enemies. It is almost like I live to fight like I cannot function without having to be on a battlefield of some kind. And I don't know if that is a good or bad thing. But it does explain what Brice spoke of during my temporary visit to Estir and what Dianite was talking about with the whole blocked memory thing. Brice spoke of how I confided in him about having disturbing visions, and flashbacks to horrible times in my past that would distract me, especially in heat of battle. Dianite then went into insulting me about blocking memories like that and avoiding my problems and the funny thing is...I would still go out of my way to block my memory. Sure, what happened freaked everyone out with that episode I had but I'm not willing to back down in something like this.

War is not something I wish to remember but I think that is all that my life has entailed and that's just...sad. Fighting for survival just seems to be in my blood given how much I do it. I realize that isn't a life and it's horrible that it is my life. No wonder I'm having the mental problems that Brice had spoken about. My entire life revolves around death, murder, and blood.

That needs to change but how? Being a guardian means that will be all that life is...I'm trapped in this lifestyle with no exit in sight. There is no happy ending for me and I just need to accept that.

......

I woke up feeling all sorts of numb and heavy. My limbs didn't want to move and I couldn't help but agree with them since I didn't want to move either, I'm exhausted. I just wanted to go back to sleep, but there was fear of that. I felt a hand grasp mine, their thumb gently rubbing the top of my hand as silence was around us. Who is that?

There were no voices, no noise other than the ruffle of paper that sounds oddly like a page turning in a book. I felt a weight on my legs and waist, a weight that shifted onto my injured right side causing a sharp pain to hit me and an involuntary groan to slip through my lips.

"Seto?" the voice asked and I immediately knew who it is, it's Violet. "Kala, off." The weight left me making it easier for me to move, not that I wanted to in the first place. But my right side is burning along with my achy head and just general fatigue. I felt an indent in what I assume is a bed beside me, a hand touching my cheek. "Seto? Can you open your eyes for me? I need to know if you are awake or not." I really didn't want to, I wanted to go back to sleep but, for Violet, I force myself to crack my eyes open. My vision obscured beyond belief, I couldn't tell if it was Violet but I knew it was from her voice. I hear her let out a shaky breath as I felt her thumb caress my cheek. "There you are..." She sounds...upset. I would try to console her but I felt a wave of nausea hit me like a slap to the face. I close my eyes as a groan slipped through my lips. "Take it easy, according to the healers, you're suffering from magic exhaustion and overexertion. You're gonna feel like crap for a while."

I blinked a few times, clearing my vision slowly but only enough that I could see her semi-clearly. My eyes soften upon seeing her worried yet relieved expression. "I-I'm...sorry," I mumbled softly.

"You should be...you worried all of us to death. We thought you were dead when you collapsed," she answered as she took her hand away. "What were you thinking? Are you trying to kill yourself? How many times do we need to tell you that you need to stop acting like a one-man army? That you don't need to do things on your own because you have friends that are fully prepared and capable to help you with whatever you may need?"