LOVE? I CAN'T RELATE

Blind Love

︵‿︵‿୨ ♡ Entry 4 ♡ ୧‿︵‿︵

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I've been falling in love with immature boys who don't really have any thought of being in a relationship. Well, it was 5th grade, but my dumbass couldn't see reality as it was, just like how I had been ignoring the fact that I did have someone who loved me, loved me not with my flirty and "wannabe in a relationship" personality but with the real me. The me who would say what she felt like saying and love what she loved without being afraid of being judged. That boy loved me, and I never realized it until he had left me. When he left earth, actually.. but then again, I have been distracted by boys without realizing I could've gained someone more special. I won't mention his name, but I will say that he has made me realize a lot about myself. Unfortunately, I can't get him back.

I was blind, blind to the boy who came up to me and asked what movies we should watch soon or what games we could play. There would be times where I would ignore what he would offer just to hang out with the popular friends, but honestly, that is what I most regret doing. I've seen this boy shine, and he did too with me. We would be the last students to go home after class and just talk and have deep conversations. About how his crush liked my crush. How unfair our world has been! I now call him my Netflix buddy. We watched a lot of shows and movies and talked a lot about them. His most recent movie he likes to talk about is "Scouts Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse." That was his favorite movie to mention to me.

He was unique, very smart, and had a very bright future. I was the very last student in the school to ever greet him goodbye. But who knew it would be my last? All our classmates were cleaning the classroom and just hanging out, but I hugged him goodbye. I've never done it before, honestly. There was this uncanny urge or force that made me run to him at the school gates and hug him. As he stepped into a white abyss into my fading memory, I never saw him alive again. Then what hit me hard the most was how I expected to see him the next week. But my friends had now informed me that he had passed away due to a sickness.

I still celebrate his birthday and still think of him from time to time. I always laughed a lot and fantasized about all of our fun memories. Our bird box game and murder mystery in the school lobby with all the tutored young kids just having fun. I won't get into more details of how I felt, but it's the process of losing someone. I want people to realize the impact of other people you love in their lives; the ones who care and love you for who you are. Those are true friends and lovers. The person who can stare at you into the distance and smile, happily loving you. It's time I realized that boys are just there to exist. But people who loved me for who I am are the real reason I am alive. I'm truly sorry for being too blind to see it. But we are humans. We live and learn.

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