And will be done (Fields of the Nephilim: Volume 4)

Chapter 25

I remembered having a dream as a child. I believe that was the night before I have killed Lilith. It was truly a long time ago now that I have already lost count of years as I too have chosen to lose count of memories. Even before when I have the capability of transcending between times and dimensions, I had the option of even going back to that same era from when I was born. I might have even had the chance of probably altering the present and the future back then and yet I chose not. Ah, that sounded like a bloody work to me though, but what was I saying?

The dream...

I was looking through an iron cage. Lilith was sitting by the open window with the linen curtains blowing through her face as she was rocking back and forth in an old rocking chair. Her hands were working diligently on the red and white yarns. The balls of thread were left lying down the floor beneath her feet.

Mama is almost done with her knitting. Be good Lunaria. You will have a nice warm sweater before winter...

She was almost talking to herself but then she would look at me and give me that warm motherly smile. Lunaria, she would call me that way fondly at times always saying that I should have been a girl for some reason. I hated it.

It was a peaceful afternoon and yet the cage is cramped and I felt like I was a bird just hanging there in the middle of the room as I watched her. Then as she stood up after tying the last knot of her stitches with a satisfied look on her face, I woke up eventually.

A nonsensical dream wasn't it? And yet I haven't remembered such thing until now and it felt suddenly strange. I didn't know why yet I believe it had something to do with why I have suddenly killed her the day after. Perhaps it was a child's innocent thought of being locked up in a cage.

Somehow I thought that I have chosen the essence of freedom even from the very first moment I have crawled out of her womb. It must even be true to believe that I have acknowledged her womb to be my very first prison.

Freedom, and yet it turned out that I have always been truly suffocated my entire life, and that it is life in itself that is suffocating me.

I do as I please and I thought then that with it, I had my freedom. And now that my hands and feet were bounded by the seal of the Abyss, I realized it wasn't much of any difference as when I have been loitering around with my own volition. So then, it is true that freedom hasn't truly been within my grasp. I was and probably am nothing but a slave to myself if not to anyone.

And then there was Samael and the prison he has long ago prepared for me even before I was born into the world. And so on the father and his child has become one.

I have been desperately calling out names even as I have been consumed by Samael. Gabriel, Abaddon, Miki, Cien. I've been calling out there names in vain like I would call to a deaf god for help, or to his mute saints. I expected no answer.

And when I was finally tired of calling out on them, it was then that I have seen the stranger. She was but a mortal in the image of a young girl. She wasn't really that young. She looked like a teenager, a high school girl to be exact still wearing her black school uniform.