And will be done (Fields of the Nephilim: Volume 4)

Chapter 29

I stood there still staring at the blood in my hands like I was suddenly in one of my thousand worse nightmares. I was utterly confused. Ah but of course it was given, half of my mind was that of Samael!

But who is it really? The one who felt the utter sorrow upon the destruction of these children? And who is it really? The one who seeks nothing but the urge to kill? Lune, do not misunderstand me...

I stopped. It was like I was seeing Samael smiling at me inside my head. Yes, he was giving me that sad smile like he was even disappointed at me. How dare he make me feel like I was the one in the wrong track and that he was of the right! I tried to block his words from my subconscious but it wasn't that easy, besides, he is a part of me and so his voice went on like he was my very own conscience.

This is not what I want, at least not this kind of brutality. But was I wrong to think I could truly control you? I realized now that you are much too strong and your rebellious nature is more of a beast that consumes you, that consumes the both of us...

Liar. I don't really have an intention to hurt Gabriel...

But haven't you thought of making him bleed even from the first time he has come to you?

Of course I remember that moment when I have been a child-murderer to my own mother. Gabriel had once stood proud and tall before me, all bound in mystery and seeming power. And what have I first wished for? It was to wound his beautiful face.

Samael then may have a point in regards to 'brutality' as he now calls it. It was surely I who had wanted all these Nephilim or Angels or Watchers dead at my feet. Ah but why do I still keep on trying to deny that fact?

I looked around me once more to see the dead ones scattered like mere slaughtered cattle. I know there are more like these in places I still haven't laid eyes upon but why does it have to be me who would create such scenery?

See, Lune? It was you all along who is selfish....

I wanted to scream. I wanted to pledge innocence yet now I almost believe him. I could feel my knees starting to weaken as I started to fall down. My vision somehow became blurred and the ruined buildings and broken lamp posts were all mixed up like an ugly collage beyond my sight. I closed my eyes as I tried to focus on a solitary picture, that which seemed tiny and unimportant. And yes, I was looking at the image of Stellar.

She was still wearing that same gray uniform as when I have last seen her. Her hair is still tied in two ponytails on top of her head and I was thinking it was just like when I have first met her. Just a school girl...

Stellar, are those tears running down your cheek? Oh, but please don't let me see them!

The confusion inside my head was too much that before I realized it, I was already lying down the ground like a pity soul trying to fight off his demons.

Lune? Lune, you're not really that bad, are you?

Such a naïve thought! But hasn't Astarael shown you everything? Ah, but her soft voice was too damn sweet and innocent! And yet, wasn't that the very thought itself which I should call naïve?

The smell of smoke is finally becoming stronger as the heat in the air is causing the atmosphere to become denser. I tried to open my eyes, sacrificing the image of Stellar as when I have them closed. I know that I need to be in control of my own to avoid unnecessary mistakes this time.

Samael, you are not here...

It was like a useless mantra and yet it is what I want to believe. I was kneeling down the ground as I tried to catch my breath. The smoke in the air is starting to choke me yet I ignored it. I lifted my head up towards the sky as I finally opened my eyes looking forward into the empty lot in front of me and this time, it was no longer empty.