Love and Pretensions (Published Under PIP)

23.

Hindi ko naiintindihan ang sarili ko at ang nararamdaman ko. Gulong-gulo na ako and all of a sudden, I just felt like giving up.

I can't stay mad at Kai because he did nothing wrong. And I realized that just now. He... loved me. He loved me despite knowing about my secrets,about my truths. He loved me despite the fact that I'm a big fake. That I'm a liar.

I don't know what to do anymore. Pakiramdam ko'y hinahabol ako ng oras.

I know my mom and what she's capable of. Kapag sinabi niyang gagawin niya, talagang gagawin niya. Kaya natatakot ako sa pwedeng mangyari sa'kin kapag hindi nasunod ang gusto niya.

I couldn't help but sob. I can't believe she's doing this to me. Siya dapat ang pumoprotekta sa'kin eh. Pero bakit siya pa mismo ang nagpapahamak sa'kin? How could she do this to her own daughter?

I loved my mother and I thought she loved me too. She may not be vocal about it but I always told myself that she loved me... in her own way. But after what happened a while ago, I can't help but to doubt.

I thought that maybe money and revenge is all she cares about. And I also realized that maybe she's using me to get her revenge on my dad. And for a while, that was what I wanted too. To take revenge.

But I felt like she wasn't doing this for me. She's doing this for herself. And it's been a matter of time for me to figure this out.

What a tragic life. My dad abandoned me, my mom threatened to destroy me, and worst is that my bestfriend, Kai, is somehow the reason why this is all happening.

Ano kaya ang sitwasyon namin ngayon kung kami ang pinili ni daddy?

Natawa ako sa naisip. Siguro mahal niya din talaga 'yung mommy ni Kai. Nakita ko kasi kung paano niya 'to tignan kahapon 'nung kumakain kami. He looked at her with so much love and affection, something he could never do for me and my brother.

"Love? I'm home."

Kaagad kong pinunasan ang mga luha ko at nagmamadaling pumasok ng banyo. I locked the door before washing my face.

"Love?" I heard him call again.

"Nasa bathroom!" I answered. I looked at myself in the mirror and sighed. I look like a mess. My eyes are puffy, my nose is red, and my hair is so messed up.

I combed my hair first and tried to wash my eyes again but the puffiness still stayed. Nag-isip nalang tuloy ako ng matinong palusot.

"Are you okay, did you cry?" tanong niya nang makalabas ako at nakita niya ang mukha ko. Mabilis siyang lumapit sa'kin at hinila ako palapit sa dibdib niya.

He caressed my cheeks and sighed, "What happened, love? Is everything okay?" he asked softly.

Ngumiti ako at tumango. "N-Nanood kasi ang ng movie kanina eh hindi ko in-expect 'yung ending. Wala sa oras tuloy akong napahagulgol ng iyak."

He sighed and nodded. "Kawawa naman ang love ko, namamaga ang mga mata."

Hindi ko alam kung naawa ba siya o natatawa sa'kin eh! May iba kasi sa tono ng boses niya at para pa siyang nangingiti.

Tignan mo 'tong epal na 'to!

"Subukan mong tumawa, mata mo pamamagain ko." banta ko at sinamaan siya ng tingin.

Doon na siya tuluyang natawa. Nang-aasar na kinurot niya pa ang pisngi ko at hinalikan ako sa sentido. "Ang cute mo, mukha kang chipmunk."

"Dami mong alam, magluto ka na nga lang doon! Gutom na ako!" kunyari ay naiinis kong sabi at tinulak siya palayo sa'kin.