Love and Pretensions (Published Under PIP)

30.

Natawa ako dahil sa pag-iyak ni kuya. I never saw him cry, this is the first time. "Kuya naman eh!" I said and wiped my own tears.

"'Wag ka na kasi umalis." aniya at pinunsan ang luha.

"Ih, kailangan eh. Tsaka gusto ko din matutong mag-isa, 'no! Wala na si mommy kaya dapat maging independent na ako."

"You talk as if our mother's dead." he chuckled. "And you know you can always stay with me! Do you really need to leave the country?" He asked and pinched my nose.

"I want to experience new things, kuya! Uuwi din naman ako. Parang bakasyon nalang din 'to." I winked playfully.

Natatawa siyang umirap at niyakap ako. "Take care of yourself out there, hmm? And if anything bad happens, kuya's only one call away." he said softly.

Naiiyak akong tumango at sumubsob sa dibdib niya. "I'll call you every week, kuya."

We hugged for about 5 minutes. I really don't want to leave him but I also feel like I needed this.

We grew up together, he was my first bestfriend and he was also the first man I've ever loved. It's really hard to part ways but this will have to happen anyways.

"I love you, kuya. I'll always be your little princess." I muttered and hugged him tighter.

Oh, how time flies. Parang dati lang ay maliliit na bata lang kami na naghahabulan sa loob ng bahay. How I wish I could stay in that moment forever. How I wish I never grew up. Because no one told me that growing up would be this hard. That we have to let go of the past to see the future. I don't feel like I'm ready yet but I have no choice. What else can I do? Time won't stop for me, at kailangan kong makisabay para hindi mapag-iwanan.

"And kuya loves you so much. Take care of yourself for me, hmm? I'll visit you when I have time." he said and kissed my forehead.

Tumango ako at ngumiti bago kinuha ang maleta para makaalis na. I waved one last time and walked away.

Don't look back.

Don't look back.

Don't look back.

"Autumn!"

I looked back.

Pero hindi ko pa nakikita kung sino ang tumawag sa'kin dahil kaagad akong sinalubong nito ng mahigpit na yakap, 'tila ayaw akong pakawalan.

"Don't leave." mahinang bulong nito sa tainga ko, dahilan ng muling pagluha ko.

"Y-You wanted me to leave." I told him.

Umiling si Kai at hinawakan ang magkabila kong pisngi. "I-I wasn't thinking straight, love. I didn't mean to tell you those... I remember everything now. L-Let's try again, hmm? I forgive you... we can start over, please, don't leave." he cried and placed his forehead against mine.

Tuluyan na akong naiyak. Umiling ako at sinubukang kalasin ang mga kamay niya paalis sa'kin at tinalikuram kaagad siya pero mabilis niyang nayakap ang baywang ko. He sobbed on my neck and hugged me tightly from behind.

"D-Don't leave me, love. L-Let's forget everything and start again, hmm?"

I shut my eyes and sighed heavily. Humarap ako sa kanya at hinawakan ang mga kamay niya.

"All my life, I was controlled by my mom, then by my management, also by the media and everyone around me. I was always able to do the things I wanted but I never felt the freedom in that. I always feel like there were eyes watching me. One wrong move and I knew everything would fall apart. And that even at my worst times, I still felt the need to act as if all is well. Because I always thought of what others would think." I cupped his cheeks and smiled despite my tears.

"I decided that I wanted to be free for once. Away from my mom, showbusiness, the fans and bashers... everything and everyone."

"Including m-me?" his voice shook. Napapikit ako at tumango.

"Specially you." I stared straight into his eyes and smiled sadly. "I've hurt you, fooled you, used you. At kahit pa sabihin kong nagbago na ako, hindi pa'rin no'n mabubura ang katotohanan na niloko kita."

"I forgive you now, love. We can start again." he said and cupped my cheeks too.

His offer was tempting, really. But I stopped myself. "I can't love you enough, Kai. Yes, I love you... but I can't love you enough. I still don't know how."

"I'll... take what you can give." he said desperately.

I chuckled lightly as another set of tears came out of my eyes. "You love me too much and I still can't love you the same way you love me. Because Kai, how can I love you when I don't even love myself to begin with?"

"Autumn..."

"I want to love myself first. I just feel like somethings lost... nothings missing but I still feel incomplete. And I thought that maybe, I just have to find myself first. Because Kai, I don't know who I am anymore." I laughed lightly. "I always believed that I'm an actress but... what else? Without that title, who am I? I want to know, Kai. Because I know that I am more that that."

"You are." he lightly pinched my cheeks. "You're so much more that you think, my love."

I nodded and smiled. "I want to find myself in the spaces in between. I want to know what I trully want. And I want to free myself from the lies that held me captive."

And I want to know what more can I do. I want to face myself. And this time, I want to speak the truth. No more lies, no more pretensions. I want to change the way my story's told... I want it to have a happy ending for myself.

He nodded and closed his eyes. He rested his forehead on mine while still cupping my cheeks.

"Will you come back?" he asked and opened his eyes.

"Maybe... but it might take a while." I smiled.

"I can wait an eternity, Autumn. I will wait." he muttered. Lumayo siya sa'kin at ang kamay na nasa pisngi ko ay nailipat sa mga kamay kong hawak ang pisngi niya.

"I promised to stay until you can finally smile truthfully. I told you I'll be there when you can finally live your life the way you want to. But maybe you're right. You need time with yourself to be able to do that. And I understand. It hurts but I really do understand. And all I want is for you to be happy."

"T-Thank you." I sobbed and hugged him tightly. He hugged me back and kissed the top of my head.

"I'll wait for you to come back, love. I promise I will."