Love and Pretensions (Published Under PIP)

04.

"You mentioned earlier that you donate to charities. Which ones? Maybe I can help too."

Wala na akong nagawa kung hindi ang hayaan nalang siyang manggulo dito dahil hindi ko din naman siya mapapalayas kung sakali. I refused to believe him at first but he showed me his IDs as proofs.

I could actually report him to the authorities since he's already invading my privacy and him being the owner of this building is not an excuse but a part of me kind of wanted him to be here so I just let him. Baka din kasi ay mabaliw na ako sa sobrang tahimik ng condo ko.

"Can you keep a secret? It's only me and you that should know about this." tanong ko at binabad sa tubig ang paintbrush na ginagamit. I'm painting and he's watching me.

"Well, you know what they say. Two can keep a secret." aniya.

"If one of them is dead." I chuckled humorlessly. "You want me to kill you?" binalingan ko siya at pinaningkitan ng mga mata.

He chuckled and raised both his hands, as if surrendering. "I won't tell anyone, I promise." Tumango ako, mukha naman siyang katiwa-tiwala at wala din naman siyang mapapala kung sakaling ipagkalat niya 'to kaya alam kong hindi niya 'yun gagawin.

"I stopped donating a year ago. Lahat ng kinikita ko sa pagpipinta ay binubulsa ko nalang." I admitted.

"But you said you were donating it?" takang tanong niya.

"Well, I lied." I smiled a bit and continued painting while explaining everything to him. About our family's debts, my pretensions, my failed career, why I said he was my boyfriend when in fact he's not, and why I lied about donating to charity. Mataman lang naman siyang nakikinig.

"My life used to be perfect, Kai. And now that it's all gone, I like pretending. In that way, I can make everyone, including myself, think that I still have the same privilege as I used to."

Now I know why people say that it feels good to vent out on someone. It really does help. Pakiramdam ko ay may nabunot na malaking tinik sa dibdib ko. No one knows about this problem aside from me and my family. Kai's the first one I'm telling this to, I don't even know what pushed me to do so. Maybe because I just really need to let it out. I can't keep this to myself for too long.

"It's okay, I understand. And the money you earn from your paintings is yours. Whether you donate it or keep it to yourself, it shouldn't matter. You earned it." nginitian niya ako.

"Yeah, but I can't help but feel bad sometimes. Some actually buy my paintings in hopes that they are helping poor children. I feel like a user but I have no other option. I badly, badly want to find a proper job but my mom wouldn't let me. This is the only way, Kai." bumuntong hininga ako.

"It'll be okay, Autumn. It's a process, just trust it." he smiled reassuringly. Napatango naman ako at ngumiti pabalik.

-

Kai started visiting me during his free time. I don't know why but he loves going here. I don't mind, mas gusto ko nga 'yon dahil madalas ay tahimik ang condo ko. My space may have a lot of colored paintings, but it still feels dull. He somehow gives this place a splash of his own colors whenever he's around. The ambience is so much better when he visits.

"Hey, how about we have a dinner date tonight? You keep declining my offer since the first time." pag-aalok niya. We also became close overtime. He was like a best friend to me now.

"Okay, fine. Kawawa ka naman." I rolled my eyes but deep inside, I was really excited. I really love spending time with him.

"Okay then. May kailangan lang akong daanan sa opisina ko pero babalik din ako kaagad. Mag ready ka na para diretso na tayo. I'll text you kapag pabalik na ako." bilin niya at dinampot ang susi ng sasakyan na nakapatong sa coffee table ko. Nilaro niya 'yun sa daliri at umalis na.