february 23, 2017
"what are you looking at," billie asked, knocking me out of my thoughts. we are sat across each other, as we share a milkshake. yes sharing a milkshake, her idea not mind but i was not complaining.
this is so very corny of us, especially since billies holding one of my hands across the table. i don't know when, but i decided to give billie a try.
i do deserve a chance at happiness before i die, no? and maybe it'd be enough to make me forget about the whole thing.
"the birds," i say, "they're quite relaxing to talk to eilish."
"they're quite" she mocks as she smiles.
i laugh because i am used to billie mocking my accent, she found it cute. i adored billie, and how she found a way to like something i hated.
"i don't sound like that," i say to which billie only repeats "i don't sound like that."
i glare at her but don't respond as i return my focus to the bird. i can feel her stare as she now leans into the table "you're so beautiful eden" billie says, removing her hands from mine to rest her head in them instead.
"eilish," i say "what have i said before?"
she doesn't respond while all billie does is shake her head with a smile. i often wonder why billie wants to be around me, to think i'm pretty, to think i'm enough.
-
i am going to die, everyone is, so i don't know what the problem was with taking my own life. i am forced to live through a life of torment all because "i have a purpose" but truthfully i don't.
i don't want to live, i never really have.
as billies hands stroke through the roots of my hair all i can think about is leaving. i've never wanted anything more than death.
i want to get better, truly but i think my time is up. i have tried hundreds, millions, of times to close the gaping hole in my chest but i can't find a way to stitch myself back up.
so as i bleed out by the day, i slowly begin to rot, my flesh is brittle and my lips have lost their color.
i am dead, i am just a corpse.
"hey" billie whispers as the rain begins to tap on my window, i only hum, i can't seem to get words right now. "could we go outside," she asks.
i furrow my eyebrows, to which billie laughs "i know it's raining but, fresh air could be nice. you seem upset eden, you always do, i want to help."
"yeah sure" i mumble as i get up and grab shoes. as i place my hood over my head, billie grabs my hand as she leads me outside.
the rain immediately makes my grey zip-up dark and billie laughs. "take your hood off," she says "it feels nice."
i do as she says, observing billie as she splashed in puddles like a little kid. this was stupid but she looked more than happy as if doing this was refreshing, healing her inner child i might even say.
"come on eden" billie pulls me in, placing her hands on my cheeks. "smile pretty girl," she says "i've never seen you smile."
i don't know what to say, i could never smile on command, and when i do smile it's nothing but a close-mouthed forced one.
the feeling of happiness haunts me because i want it but it will not let me grab it. i try so hard, so so hard to reach out and just take it, but as soon as my hand so much of grazes happiness, it's pulled away.
i can never reach, i can never have it.
"eden" billie drags, she has such a pleading look on her face, so desperate and sad. the rain has practically drowned me by now but i don't care, as i allow it to soak my face.
if i do, then billie could not tell i was on the verge of tears right? i don't know but i am so confused, im so saddened and distressed.
"are you, okay love," billie says, holding my face yet again.
i can't believe i'm stood here in the rain, trying not to cry. how fucking typical, my life couldn't get any worse.
"eden please," billie says "tell me what's wrong, i can help and i want to."
how do i know billie will not throw my emotions in my face when she's done with me? how do i know i will ever be able to trust anyone?
why would anyone take the time to understand why i'm upset? i don't get it, and i never will.
"i'm okay billie," i say "let's head inside."
she nods and i'm sure i've just killed the mood, as i always do.
when we're back inside, i head to my room to change out of the wet clothes. i throw on pajama pants and a white spaghetti strap shirt.
when i leave my room and go downstairs billie has taken off her jacket leaning on my wall.
it's not awkward but there is definitely tension, "you could go home if you wanted" i mumble watching billie shake her head. "not until you tell me what's wrong" i shake my head, "it's really nothing, you wouldn't care."
"eden" billie chuckles "seriously? i'm standing here in wet clothes just to make sure you're okay."
i shake my head yet again "i just don't want to hurt you, you know? or you hurt me" i mumble the last part watching her eyebrows furrow.
"oh eden, my love" billie sighs "i would never hurt you."
"is that what this is," billie asks, hugging me. she wraps her arms around me but it's not the same as before. there is so much love in this hug i want to cry.
i hug her back ever so slowly as i listen to her words. "and you could never hurt me— even if you tried."
"okay" was all i said as her hands found their way into my hair. i couldn't tell why billie would care to try for me. i couldn't tell why my whole life i've been shut away, and i also couldn't tell why all of a sudden i wasn't.
one person. one word, one interaction, seemed to change the way i saw myself.
because if billie cares, then shouldn't i?
shouldn't others?
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